Category: ISSUE 1

  • Say My Name When The Crow Call – Oluwabunmi Adaramola

    Sisi Jókò began bringing me leftover Ofada rice morsels wrapped in Agidi leaves–perhaps remnants from what her mother had managed to sell that day–in the third hour since Uncle Túndùn locked me away. The walls holding me captive were as dull as my sensory responses, splattered with what appeared to be the decayed remains of insects that had been smashed against the wall with the back of rubber slippers.

    The stench of stale urine mixed with rain-soaked mud enveloped whatever sense of smell I had left, the room dark enough that the only way I could tell the distance from the dinghy wooden bedframe I sat on to the entrance of the room was by crawling, feeling my way through the darkness with my hands sliding against the wall.

    And when I found the door in those first minutes—elation wrapping itself delicately around my heart as relief tore through the claustrophobia I’d been feeling—I’d pounded against it desperately, wailing as loud as my lungs would allow, in hopes that someone would hear. Minutes bled into each other, yet I assume no one heard my screams. 

    Until Sisi Jókò showed up. 

    I knew of her mother–the infamous rice seller whose husband had left her after she’d produced a sixth daughter for him, her husband who had displayed a show of enrage that day in the market, cursing his wife’s womb as incapable of creating legacies–his legacy.

    I had asked mummy what he had meant, questioning why a man, who looked like he could barely afford the clothes on his back, acted as though it was an abomination for him to have no sons to carry his lineage on and take over his inheritance. I did not understand any of it, but mummy had smiled placatingly, shushing me as she asked Iya Jókò to keep the change, checking that the black nylon containing the food was secure before tossing it in her market bag. 

    Sisi Jókò and I were the same age, but her eyes–yellowed from years of managed malnutrition with deep brown irises–screamed how much they had been tarnished by the harsh realities of the life she lived. She had watched the scene with a guarded expression, appearing to partly be embarrassed by the obvious showcase of poverty and her father’s erratic behaviour earlier on, but also daring anyone—with her eyes—to look down at her because of it.

    We were not friends, Sisi Jókò and I, but she was someone I’d spent more time observing than I should have, curiosity overpowering rationale those days I snuck out of the classroom to watch her saunter into the main staff room to sell her mother’s food every lunch hour.

    There was something astute about the way she carried herself–as though she knew her current reality was only a passing phase that would eventually give way to the full manifestation of her. She moved with the assurance of the Osun princess–the water goddess Baba Gbénró told us stories about whenever he gathered the neighbouring kids together for night tales–stance leisure, hips swaying with the sensuality of a siren, commanding the unwilling attention of anyone who stood around. Sisi Jókò and I were not friends, but I admired her and in the recesses of my mind, craved the elegance she proudly wore. 

    I watch from the small crack in the door as she tenderly unwraps the leaves, the smell from the brown ayamase stew wafting through the air–warring with the smell of the small room that had become my prison–as she pours it onto the rice. My mouth waters for the first meal I would eat in what I had counted as two hours, as she tells me that tomorrow Chief Jẹ́miyótán will be coming to collect my hand as his fourth wife. I respond that I do not understand what she means. She tells me that even though I am a child, I should not think like a child; that if there is any time I need to wear a cloak of maturity, it is now. 

    From the time I’d spent covertly watching her on the school grounds, I knew she wore maturity better than was rationally expected from someone her age. Three months ago when she’d turned thirteen, she had caused an uproar in the market square when she’d glared at brother Lukmon–the randy son of the town’s popular chemist who had amassed an obscene amount of wealth whose source no one was confident to identify–and spat in his face, caustically warning him to stay away from her.

    I had watched in part awe and confusion–awe as I wondered what well she seemed to draw her confidence from. I’d concluded that perhaps she had reached down into the deepest crevices of her growing womanhood and shoved this attitude to the forefront of her personality or maybe swallowed seeds of arrogance from those books she was fond of reading whenever she sat under the weather-beaten umbrella her mother sold food from.

    Whatever it was, I was certain I wanted it as I watched her drag and twist Brother Lukmon’s right ear in response to his wandering hands. And now even as she implored me to be more mature, like her, I mimicked her form, pleading with my feet to become less wobbly and for my shoulders to adopt a more assured stance. 

    We were not friends, but there were one or two things I could learn from her, maturity the most palpable. 

    Wiping my face with the bottom ends of my plaid school skirt, I lean against the wall–the cleanest portion I can find with my hands in this darkness and roll a morsel of the soaked rice as she watches me through the gap in the door–the one we have used to communicate and pass food through since the third hour. I asked her how she found me. She smiles, pity colouring her usually expressive eyes as she tells me how she saw Uncle Túndùn cart me outside the principal’s office when she’d come to deliver lunch to teachers in the staff room.

    It was a moment I would not be quick to forget; when he had violently dragged me away–his signature antiseptic scent overwhelming my senses as he shoved my slight frame into the back seat of his rickety Volvo–and dumped me in the uncompleted boys’ quarter at the back of his house.

    Uncle Túndùn was Daddy’s older brother who had fully and rather forcefully immersed himself as head of our household since they announced Daddy’s death. I had been in school when the teacher came to quietly cartel me out of Mathematics class–giddy from the thought of being given a free pass away from Mr Ògúnmúkò’s perpetually browned shirt soaked in sweat and projectile spittle from his excitement during teaching.

    The dead look in Mummy’s eyes as she sat in Daddy’s car outside the school gate–the one that Uncle Túndùn now drove, sitting in the driver’s seat with glee climbing up his lips–had stopped me in my tracks. No words needed to be shared; I just knew. They had called it a myocardial infarction. I did not know what it meant. Mummy had explained that it meant Daddy had lived with a bad heart for most of his adult life. I did not understand any of it, but there was only one thing I was certain of: my favourite person in the world was gone. 

    “Why your uncle is the one controlling any-everything for your family?” Sisi Jókò’s voice pulls me from relieving the pain I’d felt once I realised Daddy was not coming back. It was obvious even to a blind man that Uncle relished his new responsibility as the unofficial caretaker of the Adémúlẹ̀gún family since Daddy’s demise. Uncle Túndùn had moved into our family house, ready to take complete possession of Daddy’s properties–including his wife and daughters–almost immediately after Daddy’s wake.

    Our quaint town was infamous for quickly burying its dead, its traditions dictating that the spirits of the dead must never be allowed to remain amongst the living for more than a week, lest evil befalls the town for weeks following their death. Mummy’s grief had frozen her so acutely that she gave Uncle free reins to do as he pleased. Uncle had pranced around the house as though it was now his, preparing himself to enjoy the spoils Daddy had worked so hard to achieve–the ones I could tell he so desperately craved to be his.

    I knew something was deeply wrong the day he began having multiple closed-door conversations that only the men in the family were privy to. And then one by one, my sisters began disappearing across other cities outside our town. It was because Daddy’s money was dwindling and they needed to work to bring an income for the family, Uncle Túndùn had explained when I mustered up the courage—albeit very little, coming across more as timidity even—to ask.

    I couldn’t ask mummy to explain what it meant to me because her sadness made her so lost in her head that I could no longer recognise her. So I took her lead and allowed Uncle to exercise his domain over us, even though something deep in my guts wanted to vehemently fight against it.

    “Because my daddy is dead and I have no brothers, and Uncle is now the oldest man in our family,” I responded to her question simply, without delving into too much detail. 

    For the first time, I felt like I only existed for the ridicule of the men in our family. My mother had borne six daughters–we were enough for my father, who had never once disregarded us the way Iya Jókò’s husband had that day in the market square, but for the people of the Ìbàdára community, none of my mother’s offspring would ever be enough to control the properties and possessions daddy had left behind. So, they more than encouraged Uncle’s stepping in. 

    “Before I came,” She starts, voice as thin as the air that surrounds us. “I heard people talking rubbish in the town. My mummy said I’m becoming an Amebo like that Iya Alatenuje that is always coming to eat without paying. But me, I don’t care sha, as long as I can get any information I can use to my benefit in this place, I don’t mind.” She rambles on, voice rising and falling animatedly, and I smile briefly, the rising and falling of her tone as she embarks on her storytelling forming a worthy distraction for the erratic emotions that overwhelm me in this place. 

    “Anyway sha, what me I heard was that Chief Jẹ́miyótán is giving plenty plenty money to your Uncle if he allow you to marry him. They said Chief has been begging your daddy since you became a woman, but your daddy say no, that he wants you to go school first. But now that like you say, your daddy is dead,” She sighs dramatically for a second before she continues, “Sorry for your loss. But now that he’s gone, they said your Uncle said he will give you to him, but only if Chief gives him big money and Chief agreed for him. So now, they’re coming tomorrow to come and collect you so you can be doing wife for Chief.” 

    “Why Chief?” My voice is tiny and scared, even to my ears, as I roll the leaves as tidily as I can, watching them tumble until it reaches her left foot before she gingerly picks it up. That way, if Uncle comes to check in on me as he did in the first hour, he will not know I have engaged in the delicious rebellion her Ofada has afforded me. “Why me?” 

    The darkness is not enough to conceal the resigned movement of her shoulder, perhaps in a shrug to my question. “He’s rich, he has plenty of money like I talk. Ó lè ṣe ohunkóhun ti o fẹ ṣe. He can do what he wants in this town and nobody will open their mouth.”

    Chief was a man of unnecessary ostentation. It was this confidence that fuelled his desire to collect women the same way he did trophies. And the more unattainable—in every sense of the word—the deeper and more depraved his craving. His youngest wife— they called her Overcomer because her mother had successfully waded through whatever obstacles the evil spirits put in place to deter her from childbirth—was only four years older than I was and already had two toddlers decorating her feet.

    The year she’d turned sixteen, Chief had stormed into their family house with gifts that her greedy family had quickly clutched to chest, seeing no wrong in exchanging their only child for material things and food items that would leave the body system after nothing more than twenty-four hours. I’d been blissfully unaware of his intention to make me his wife, but things were starting to make sense. He’d played Uncle into his hands and taken full advantage of Daddy’s death and the destructive culture that defined our small town when it came to the propertification of women. 

    Chief Jẹ́miyótán and Brother Lukmon shared the same proclivities–the asinine idea that women were their properties and so could do with them howsoever they pleased. The only difference between the two men–apart from the glaring differences in their physical stature, where chief’s hard and protruding stomach always led the way when he walked, compared to the hungriness that lined Brother Lukmon’s frame–was that chief wore his misguided dominance of women more openly where Brother Lukmon craftily wove his as though it was him doing a favour to whatever unsuspecting woman he’d successfully latched himself onto. He was more dangerous in this regard, I suppose, because he was a master at manipulation, meaning he almost always emerged the victim to eavesdroppers and onlookers in whatever perversion he’d subject his female counterpart to. 

    Things started to change the day he began targeting Sisi Jókò and only escalated that day when she chastised him. She’d been the first person I was aware of who had stood up to him and his wandering hands. 

    “The way I knock that his coconut head eh? They’ve not born the person that will tell him to try that nonsense with me again.” 

    I chuckle as she vividly describes the encounter, the pain and disgust in her tone drawing me back to the present. Probably without realising it, Sisi Jókò has made the last three hours—a hundred and eighty minutes from my silent counting—in this hole bearable. 

    “Sister Overcomer…they said both times she want to born for chief almost kill her. In fact, mummy said that chief do usually force himself on her everytime until she carry belle for him. At least, that’s what she say Iya Alatenuje use to say.” 

    There was something about the way her tone had changed when she talked about Sister Overcomer’s situation–the sullenness and despair in her tone was tangible, as though I could reach out into the crack in the door and it would take physical form for me to hold.

    It was how I knew she was telling the truth. 

    For all the gossip-mongering and peddling that defined Iya Alatenuje, there really was no smoke without a fire. Mummy had mumbled something similar, I remember now, a while ago when she’d come across Sister Overcomer in the market at the meat sellers; Overcomer who now looked like a shadow of her previous self, wearing the carriage and physical appearance of someone her mother’s age on her much younger frame as she tugged the hand of her two-year-old, the lump of her six-month-old tied to her back as she haggled with the seller. Mummy had shaken her head in pity, mumbling something about how Overcomer’s marriage to chief had destroyed her destiny. 

    “That poor girl…see how they’ve just turned this child into an untimely mother! K’olorun shaanu wa o!” 

    The meat seller with the elaborate slashes in his right cheek–three horizontal wide ones symbolising his origins–had simply chuckled in response to mummy’s outburst, muttering something about how at least her family would be happy that she’d become a wife. I did not understand the full extent of what it meant. 

    Until today. 

    Today, I found out that the same thing that happened to Sister Overcomer was about to happen to me. 

    “How can I have children when I’m still a child; when I have not even seen my monthly flow yet?” 

    “I…I have to come and be going now.” Her movements are jerky as she quietly places the lid over the cooler holding the food, rolling the ankara wrapper she would place on her head to balance the weight of the cooler as roughly as she can. “I think your uncle will soon come back.” 

    “Break the padlock for me. Jọ̀ọ́ now. Don’t let them take me away.” My attempt to rattle the door, to see if it gave way–at least enough to slide my petite frame through–falls empty and for the umpteenth time since I was dumped here, palpable fear gripping my throat as I begin to digest the truth of her words. 

    I will be forced to marry Chief, and no one is coming to help me. 

    Clutching the ends of the rusted chain that binds the door to its frame, she drags it forward, closing the communication gap that once existed between us. 

    “If I start to break it and your uncle come to find me, nko? Your uncle and chief, two both of them are very powerful in Ìbàdára. If they come and see that I’m doing what I’m not supposed to be doing, they will make my family and us suffer. I no want that.” 

    “Sisi, please. I’m using God to beg you.” I do not want the end she had described that had befallen Sister Overcomer to happen in my case. I was too young, the rest of my life still wildly ahead of me to be forced into brutal adulthood too early. I do not want to become a wife or mother before in the first year of my teenage years. 

    I shake the door rather violently, tears and mucus mixing and soaking the crevices of my face as I beg her to open the door because I do not want them to take me to go with Chief. I remind her that I am only thirteen and I have not even seen my period; I am only a child. I promised her tearfully that I would not inform Uncle Túndùn it was her who let me go, so long as she agrees to free me from this nightmare. I do not want to be here any longer now that I know his illicit intention for me.

    Still, she refuses, justifying her selfishness with questions of what if they find out and punish her family as I hear her voice become more distant. I call her names in my hysteria–names that if mummy heard flow from my mouth, she would slice my lip open and stuff pepper inside it as her form of chastisement for whatever foul language poured out, emphatically reminding me that she did not teach them to me.

    I want to smile as I remember, but my wails forcibly remind me that Mummy is not here to help me. That in fact, she does not care enough, because if she did, she would have fought against Uncle–I’m sure of it. She would have shown up as he’d dragged me into his car, stopping him from upheaving my status quo. But mummy was no longer the mummy I knew since Daddy’s passing.

    She would much rather sit on the wooden chair on the verandah—the one Daddy always occupied at the end of a workday, to watch the sun kiss the moon as it began to bid goodbye to the once sunny day. She would sit and stare, mumbling words that were only audible to herself, tears streaming down her face, her grief heavier in its silence.

    This mummy, I knew, had no care for anything else in the world than the loud sadness that had gripped her senses over the last two weeks. I scream louder as Sisi Jókò’s retreating footsteps become quieter, oscillating between screaming for help and counting the seconds I have spent in this room.

    I’d always been adept with numbers and counting, looking forward to whatever puzzle we would solve in Maths, even though Mr Ògúnmúkò was my least favourite teacher. And here, locked away from the rest of sanity, counting down the minutes–as the temporary pleasure that zapped my insides when the numbers passed my lips–did its work in keeping my mind occupied and not focused on the horrors that lay ahead. 

     I stop screaming the moment I count three hundred minutes. It is of no use; no one is coming to help me. Not mummy, not Sisi Jókò.

    The cream ceramic cup with the brightly coloured flowers delicately wrapped around its circumference has now become my focal point—the only thing weaving my sanity together—since I entered this fifth hour since Uncle Túndùn disrupted my current reality. I didn’t realise it at the time, but the cup—which had been the main character in the scrumptious meal Sisi Jókò had brought—must have fallen from the cooler on her head during her desperate escape.

    I watch it intently through the barely there crack in the door, thoughts of breaking it into sizable pieces so I can reach out for a piece. For the first time in my life, I wonder if I could use whatever piece of the ceramic cup to draw blood from my body so that Uncle and Chief would find me worthless for marriage. Perhaps, if they come to see my bloodied pile lying helplessly on the floor, they would deem me invaluable and maybe I can return to sit with mummy on the rocking chair. 

    But I do not want to harm myself nor do I want to die because of them. And I know that from the tales that shrouded Chief in Ìbàdára, he would not mind receiving me as a broken mess–in fact, it would please him even more. 

    So I sit quietly, hoping and mumbling words of prayer I’ve heard slip out habitually from mummy’s lips whenever she makes declarations against her enemies. I ask a combination of deities–God and the universe–to come to my rescue and deter the plans of Uncle and Chief. 

    But I open my eyes and find myself still stuck within these walls, with no indication of any supernatural intervention. 

    It is now six hundred and thirty minutes since this room became my only sanctuary. My mouth is heavy as though filled with cottons, tongue soured from the ayamashe aftertaste and lack of early morning hygiene. It is now a Tuesday–I was certain—the day Chief is apparently supposed to come and collect me and I am violently reminded of the new day the moment the loud cock crows far away.

    Sisi Jókò has returned with a bag of nearly burnt chin-chin. They were saltier and oilier than I expected chin-chin to be, but on this occasion, I cannot complain because my beggar cannot afford to be a chooser. I do not need to ask if they’re leftovers from the ones her mother fried this morning. Instead, I ask why she is taking care of me. When she tells me she cannot stand the idea of what will happen in the next few hours, I take the opportunity to plead with her to stop it from taking place. To do whatever she can to either break me out of here or distract Uncle or Chief. 

    “If you really want to take care of me, Jókòtọlá, you will fight Uncle and Chief when they arrive. You will not allow another tragedy to happen to me.”  For the first time, I mustered enough energy to call her full name. I use it to remind her that no matter what the circumstances dictate, she is not like them, she is different. That she is the type of person to look injustice in the face and subdue it with her hands.  

    “Do you know my name?” I want her to remember me in case anything happens, either here or when I’m with Chief. I have now been forced to accept my reality. 

    She does not answer. Rather, she scrambles away as heavy and shuffling feet begin to pound on the floor closer to us. 

    They’re here. 

    “I’m sorry I cannot help like that. I…I pray God will keep you and protect you from all the evil and bad bad things they say chief normally do to women’s bodies…especially the young ones.” 

    They miss each other by a hair’s breadth, Sisi Jókò and the evil approaching. The heavy and pungent antiseptic smell suddenly overpowers the stench of urine and oil in the room and I know that Uncle has arrived with Chief

    Time seems to freeze as he slides the key into the rusted chain and turns it. My heart beats in tandem with each sound the chain makes as he unwinds it from my false prison before pushing the creaky door open. Relief wars with fear as my mind processes my freedom from the claustrophobia holding me captive, side by side with what awaits me beyond this door. 

    He smells like palm oil–painful and unpleasant just like his presence, overpowering as though he’d doused himself in a bucket of it just before coming over. It makes me want to throw up in my mouth, but I hold my faux confident stance, glaring at him with eyes full of hatred. I do not know him personally but I already hate him.

    Chief Jẹ́miyótán looks to be the very personification of evil–like the villains in the cartoons Daddy would watch with us just before bedtime, there was something about his presence that bred discomfort. He was a very large man, taking up space in a way that made Unce insignificant and it scared me. Tears silently line the apples of my cheeks as my eyes meet his and for the second time since being locked away, I wonder if taking my own life would be a much preferable outcome than the hell I can envision that I am about to experience in Chief’s hands. 

    He licks his lips sloppily, eyes slowly trailing from my dirty feet to the matted cornrows on my head. The way his eyes linger makes me feel dirty, triggering a deep-seated desire to scrub my body with the hard sponge mummy always asks me to use on the back of the iron pot. I want to scrub until I am rid of the dirtiness of his presence and the filth I feel creeps through my skin as he continues to gaze intensely at me. 

    “Ẹ̀ríìfẹ́. You will make a lovely bride.” 


    Bunmi works in academia by day and spends the rest of the time in her imagination, concocting hilarious scenarios or romantic tales. Her short story, Palmwine Promises, was featured in Brittle Paper’s 2023 Festive Anthology. Her short stories appear in The Three Boats Magazine, Brittle Paper, The Kalahari Review, The African Writer Magazine, The Sprinng Literary Movement (forthcoming) and elsewhere. She has an unhealthy addiction to coffee and is a bibliophile with an overwhelming stack of cheesy romance novels.  

  • Nanny Burrows’s Potions – Ian Douglas Robertson

    The summer holidays had come at last and I couldn’t wait to get out on the farm. Jimmy Comerton had commandeered three of the men to help him dip the two hundred and fifty sheep we had at the time. It was a messy job.

    One man would toss a sheep in one end of the dip and two more would drag it out the other. Two men were required at the far end, as the saturated wool would weigh a ton and the sheep needed help to clamber out of the water. Once out, they would start shaking frantically in an effort to shed the water, drenching anyone within a three-yard radius.

    Fortunately, it was a warm day and everyone was in their shirtsleeves – and oilskins – enjoying the tepid Irish sun. There was an audible sigh of relief, however, when we saw my mother arrive with tea and sandwiches. We dropped everything and headed for some hay bales in the shed opposite. Sandwiches were grabbed but the tea ignored in favour of the stout that had been poorly concealed at the bottom of the basket. 

    That morning my father had been into Ross to see Dr Quighan about an annoying cough he couldn’t shake off. So, the conversation inevitably came round to doctors and quacks, which, in Jimmy Comerton’s eyes, were one and the same. 

    “That was a terrible risk you were takin’ now, Boss,” says Jimmy, popping the top of a bottle of stout.

    “Oh, why’s that, Jimmy?”

    “Goin’ to see that quack Quighan. Sure, you’d go in with a thorn in your finger and come out missin’ a limb. He’d as lief amputate your hand as take out the thorn. With that cough you have, you could have come away with only one lung.”

    “I wouldn’t go near the fucker,” says Mylsey Murphy, the pigman who had been requisitioned into helping Jimmy. Mylsey had a weak arm and leg, which meant he walked with a hobbly-wobbly lopsided lope. “When I was on’y six, didn’t me mother take me into Ross to see Quighan. In those days, we had to take the ass and car. It took us about three hours to get there and then we had to sit another hour or two in the waitin’ room. That was terrible hardship for a six-year-old lad, I can tell you.

    Anyway, Quighan’s receptionist finally calls us in and me and me mother stands there opposite his desk while your man spends five minutes writin’ in a big ledger. Finally, he raises his head, takes one look at me and says, ‘Jesus, you’re one miserable looking fucker, aren’t you?’ He got up and told me to strip. I was as thin as a sprong handle back then. No matter what I ate, I couldn’t keep the flesh on me. ‘Christ!’ says he, a look of horror on his face. ‘Where did they salvage you from? Auschwitz?’  He thought this hilarious and fell into fits of laughter. He took out his stethoscope, anyway, and held it to me bare chest.

    A second later, his face went into contortions. ‘I can’t hear a fucking thing. Is he alive or only pretending? If so, he must have a heart the size of a midge?’ ‘He’s always been a bit wake, Doctor,’ says me mother. ‘Weak? Is that what you call it? Moribund is more like it.’ ‘What’s that now, Doctor?’ says me mam. ‘Well, I can tell you it’s not good.’ ‘Is it serious, Doctor?’ ‘All I can say, M’am, is that it’s in the hands of the Lord whether he lives or dies. I’ll prescribe a bit of ould medicine for him but the state he’s in he’ll be lucky to make it to his next birthday.’ ‘What can I do, Doctor?’ ‘Pray to God that he goes nice and gentle.’ Anyway, he scribbled out a prescription, shoved it into me mother’s hand and straightway lit up a cigarette.”

    “Well, you’re still goin’ strong, Mylsey,” says Jimmy.

    “No thanks to that fucker Quighan, I can tell ye.”

    “There was a time when only the worst doctors would end up in a small country town like Ross. Did I ever tell ye about a doctor by the name of Brian Muldoon?”

    “Oh, Jes’, wasn’t he a terrible man for the drink.”

    “For the life of him he couldn’t function sober. If he could look ye straight in the eye and was able to stand straight, ye needed to watch out. You wouldn’t know what he’d stick into you, nor what poison he’d dose ye with.

    Once, after visitin’ him when he was sober, I went into the Chemist’s and handed Cory the prescription. He took one look at it and says, ‘Ah, this must be from the sober Muldoon. If I were to give you this, you’d die a very prolonged and painful death. But I think I know what he’s getting at.’ Now, if he was drunk you were fine.  He’d laugh and joke and give you a thorough examination without a word of slander out of him. A perfect bedside manner, you could say.”

    “Do ye remember, Boss, the time when Mick fell and cracked his skull on the side of the harrow and ye took him to Muldoon?”

    “Could I ever forget? It was past midday so Muldoon was already two sheets in the wind. He took one look at Mick and said, ‘I know you. You’re one of the Roches from that dirty back lane where all the babbies come from.’ ‘No,’ said Mick. ‘The name’s Kehoe.’ ‘All right, Roche. I’m going to stitch you up. Now, I don’t want any squealing out of you. It’s not good for my nerves.’ Mick told me afterwards he was in agony because Muldoon didn’t use any anaesthetic.

    Mick didn’t dare make a sound, though. When he’d finished, the doctor put a net cap over Mick’s head. ‘Now, Roche,’ he says, admiring his handwork, ‘that is not for cosmetic purposes.’ He found this uproariously funny and was still chuckling away to himself when we left the room. But, as Jimmy said, when he’d had a few to drink he was an excellent doctor.”

    “Oh, back then, Boss, ‘twas a terrible job bein’ a doctor. You’d be called out at all hours of the day and night and in all weathers too, all for a few rotten eggs or a mangy ould chicken or a lump of salty bacon. Sure, the people had no money in them days. They lived from hand to mouth, so to speak.”

     “I’ll never forget the time ould Quighan was called out to Paddy Byrne’s place,” said Mylsey “The ould fella was on his death bed. There was nothin’ much anyone could do for him. Anyway, all Meg Byrne had in the house was a salmon.

    Oh, a lovely big salmon it was too. Now, how Paddy Byrne come by it, I don’t know. Anyway, Quighan was delighted. He loved salmon. So, Meg wrapped it up in greaseproof paper and gave it the doctor on his way out. Halfway home, Quighan got a whiff of the salmon on the back seat.

    He thought it smelt a bit high but put no pass on it. When he got home, he proudly presents Josey with the salmon, thinkin’ she’d be thrilled. But when she saw the fish, she nearly threw it back in his face. ‘What in God’s name do you expect me to do with that, Quighan? Sure, I wouldn’t give it to a starvin’ cat.’ They say Josey Quighan gave him a fair ould latherin’ after that. ‘You go out in the pourin’ rain,’ says she, ‘travel halfway across the country and you come home with a stinkin’ fish. Well, you can go to bed with an empty stomach now and maybe that’ll knock a bit of sense into you, so you won’t come home emptyhanded again.’ Oh, she was a cranky ould biddy was Josey Quighan. He was well rid of her when she died.”

    “Now,” says Jimmy, getting comfortable between two bales of hay. “I’m goin’ to tell yez a story you may not know. Do your remember Nanny Burrows that did live next to the Ballagh bridge?”

    “Oh, aye,” said Mylsey. “I remember Nanny well.” 

    “Well, Nanny Burrows was better than any doctor and she never took a penny piece from no one. You wouldn’t credit the number of people she cured.”

    “Didn’t they say she was a witch?” said Mylsey.

    “Ah, Father Malachy branded her a witch ‘cos she didn’t go to mass of a Sunday but she was no more of a witch than I am. I wouldn’t be surprised if the doctors didn’t put Malachy up to it ‘cos she was takin’ away their business. No. Nanny Burrows wouldn’t hurt a fly. And when I say wouldn’t hurt a fly, I mean it. Sure, one summer’s evenin’ we were sittin’ by the river, Nanny and meself. She’d given me a glass of her cherry brandy. Oh, she was very fond of the cherry brandy. She made it herself out of the cherries she had in the garden. As you can imagine, the place was hummin’ with all sorts of insects; midges, bees, flies, you name it. Well, a fly was hell bent on taking a sup of me cherry brandy. So, I went to squash it between me hands. But Nanny lets out a shriek as if I was about to murder someone. ‘Jimmy Comerton,’ says she. ‘Don’t you dare! That fly has just as much a right to this space as you have. If we don’t respect nature, it won’t respect us.’ Some said she wouldn’t even kill a spider. There were others too who said she kept them to use in her potions, but I wouldn’t credit that. You see, Nanny had great knowledge of botany. All the cures and potions she knew had been passed down from mother to daughter for generations. You’d see her wanderin’ the ditches and along the river bank all hours of the day and night in search of weeds and grasses that she’d use in her potions. The whole house was full of jars with liquids of all hues. To be honest with you now, they looked more like what you’d take to the microbiologist than somethin’ you’d dose yourself with, but anyway. Did ye ever go into her place, Mylsey?”

    “I did not. If it was dark we’d take another route home and if it was day we’d make sure to pass on the opposite side of the bridge.”

    “Ah, Nanny was a harmless ould soul. I often went up there to see that she and the lad was all right.”

    “Didn’t she have a boy that was not all there?”

    “Ah, Donal was a grand lad. He’d come up to ye and put his arms around ye and give ye a rare big hug, as if ye were his long-lost uncle. He was what they call a mongoloid.”

    “Down Syndrome,” corrected my father.

    “The very same. Nanny could have put him in a home, but she wouldn’t do anythin’ like that. She said, ‘I love that boy more than anythin’ in the world.’ Donal went everywhere with her, helpin’ her look for all those plants. Nanny had taught him how to read and he could write a bit too. He didn’t speak all that clear but he could talk the hind legs off a dunkey, if you gave him half a chance. Oh, Nanny and Donal were very close but she had a terrible fear that she’d die before him. Now, the mongoloids, or as the Boss calls ‘em, the Down Syndrome people, don’t live all that long as a rule. They’re very prone to illnesses. But Nanny was in her forties when she had him and she was goin’ on eighty-five at the time. I don’t know what happened to Mr. Burrows. Some said he died. Others said that he scarpered as soon as he clapped eyes on Donal. Anyway, Nanny and Donal were as happy as Larry together.”

    “As you can imagine they got lots of visitors from all over, people who had tried doctors and got no results, or simply people who believed in the old medicine. Anyway, one day a grand car pulled up outside Nanny Burrows’ humble abode – a Bentley I think it was – and out got a very glamorous lady, all in purple silks and shiny furs. The chauffeur got out too and escorted her to the front door. ‘Is this the residence of Mrs.Nanny Burrows?’ the chauffeur calls out in a haughty voice. ‘It is,’ says Donal, jumpin’ up from behind a tree. The chauffeur gave him a quare look or two and says, ‘Is Nanny here?’ ‘Mammy,’ shouts Donal. ‘Some grand people are wantin’ ye.’ Well, it turned out anyway that the lovely lady was a famous actress from Dublin. She was in all the great plays of the time and in a good many films too. Apparently, she had been diagnosed with breast cancer. Now we know that that can be a killer if you don’t have a …what’s that called now, Boss?”

    “Mastectomy.”

    “The very same. Now bein’ a celebrity and all, she was loath to have her breast removed for fear it would ruin her career. She had a fine pair, so they say, that were the envy of many a young lady of the time. Somehow she’d heard of Nanny Burrows’ miraculous cures, so she thought she’d give it a go. Now, Nanny didn’t want to give her false hopes. So, she says, ‘I can’t guarantee you’ll get better.’ ‘But they told me you have cured cancer.’ ‘Tis true that some have got cured but I’m no miracle worker.’ ‘Well, I’ll be honest with you, Nanny. I’d sooner die than lose my breasts.’ ‘You can always wear a falsy,’ says Nanny. ‘Falsy!’ yelled the grand lady, makin’ Donal jump up in fright. ‘What’s a falsy, Mammy?’ says Donal, thinkin’ that it must be somethin’ terrible altogether. ‘Don’t worry yourself, Donal. It’s just somethin’ some women wear.’ ‘Not me,’ says the grand lady emphatically. ‘Now, when can we start treatment?’ ‘Are you absolutely sure? I don’t want you blamin’ me if it don’t work.’ ‘No, I won’t. In fact, I’ll grant any wish you want, if I get rid of the cancer.’”

    “Well, they started the treatment, anyway. And, ‘clare to God, about a year later, didn’t the doctors give her a clean bill of health. Oh, she was over the moon. Now, you might think she’d forget all about her promise to Nanny, but she didn’t. She was a woman of her word. One Sunday afternoon the Bentley pulled up outside Nanny’s cottage. Nanny was makin’ some potion or other in the kitchen but she sat down by the fire anyway with the lovely lady. Nanny wet the tay and they began talkin’. ‘I owe you my life and my career, Nanny, and I’ve come to carry out my promise. I said that I’d give you anything you wanted. I know you won’t take money, so what is it that I can do for you?’ It appears that Nanny didn’t have to think long. ‘I’m eighty-six years old and Donal is goin’ on fifty. I don’t know which of us will go first but if I do I want you to look after Donal for me.’ ‘Is that all?’ says the grand lady. ‘I could get you a new house in the town.’ ‘A house in town. Now what would I do with that? A town is a sterile place. Where would I find what I need for my potions?’ ‘Well, can I do up this place? A fridge? A cooker? A television?’ ‘Now what would I do with a fridge. Don’t I have a larder that do be ten times bigger than a fridge? I don’t need a cooker either. Sure, I cooks everything on the open fire. And a television, ha! They says it do nothin’ but soften the brain.’ ‘So, all you want from me is to look after Donal, if you should pass before him?’ ‘That’s right.’”  

    “So, the lovely lady left her address and phone number and went away back to Dublin. And, sure enough, about four or five years later, didn’t Nanny get a bad flu that turned to pneumonia. She refused to go into hospital because she was sure they’d dose her with all sorts of poisons, but her own potions were not strong enough to cure her. And late one evenin’ Donal comes runnin’ into Maguire’s yard shoutin’, ‘Come, come, me Mammy is chokin’.’ Well, that was the end of Nanny Burrows. By the time Maggie Maguire got to the cottage, Nanny had stopped breathin’ altogether. You should have heard the wailin’ out of Donal. You could damn near hear him all the way to the Rock.”

    “So, what was to become of Donal? Because as sure as hell he couldn’t live by himself and no one was inclined to take him in. There was talk of puttin’ him in a home run by the nuns but then I remembered Nanny tellin’ me about the grand lady from Dublin who had promised to look after him. We found her address and phone number but the phone was dead and no one replied to the letters we sent to Dublin. Somehow, though, I thought the message would get through to her. So, I says, ‘We can make a roster so that someone passes by the cottage every day and makes sure Donal is fed and kept warm until the grand lady gets one of the letters we’re after sendin’ her.’ So, that’s what we did. Donal remained in the cottage but he spent a lot of time in the houses all round. He seemed happy enough but I and some others were terrible afraid he’d forget to put the guard in front of the fire one night and he and the cottage would go up in smoke.”

    “Anyway, as luck would have it, didn’t the Bentley turn up one day at the Burrows’s cottage. The lovely lady was distraught when she found out that Nanny had passed away. Maggie Maguire was over at the cottage at the time givin’ Donal the bit of dinner. ‘We tried to get in touch with you,’ says Maggie. ‘Yes, yes, I’m sorry. I live in London now.’ ‘So, you got our letter, anyway?’ ‘No, I didn’t. It must have got lost.’ ‘So, what brought you down then?’ ‘The cancer has come back. In the other breast this time. Without Nanny’s medicine I’m going to have to have a mastectomy.’ ‘I’m sorry,’ says Maggie. ‘Nanny didn’t have a daughter to pass on her knowledge to.’ ‘But she had a son,’ said Donal. They all laughed. ‘I know, Donal. She had a son and a lovely son too, but she didn’t have a daughter to pass the knowledge down to.’ ‘But she had a son,’ repeated Donal. They thought there was no point trying to explain to him that all the potions Nanny had on the shelves in every room in the cottage were useless if they didn’t know what each one was for. ‘I’m sorry,’ says Maggie to the grand lady. ‘You’ll have to rely on conventional medicine.’ Then, Donal shouts out, ‘Falsy!’ They looked around at Donal wondering what he was gettin’ at. ‘No falsy!’ Then, the grand lady clicked. ‘I know what he’s saying. Women who have had a mastectomy wear a breast substitute, what Nanny referred to as a falsy.’ ‘No falsy,’ says Donal, lookin’ very disturbed. ‘What do you mean, Donal?’ says Maggie gently. ‘That one,’ says Donal goin’ over to one of the shelves, pickin’ off a jar and handin’ it to the grand lady. ‘Drink that and you won’t have to wear a falsy,’ says Donal. ‘You mean that’s the medicine your mother gave me?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Are you quite sure now, Donal?’ says Maggie. ‘We don’t want to poison this lovely lady.’ ‘Of course, I’m sure.’ ‘All right, but will one jar be enough?’ The lovely lady looked worried. ‘I took it for about a year. I must have used about ten jars. One is not enough. What can I do?’ Donal’s face burst into a broad smile. ‘Nanny didn’t have a daughter but she had a son.’ They both looked at Donal in dismay, not understandin’ what he was tryin’ to say. ‘And so?’ says Maggie. ‘So, I have the knowledge!’ says Donal, clappin’ his hands like a child. ‘I can make more jars. I can make that many,’ says he, holdin’ up ten fingers.”

    “Anyway, after Donal had had the bit of grub, they sent him up to Maguire’s farm to help with the cows. He loved the cows and could milk them too. Oh, he was a grand milker. When he was gone, the two women sat by the fire and discussed the situation. ‘I honestly don’t think we can trust Donal,’ says Maggie. ‘He might end up poisonin’ you.’ The grand lady thought for a bit. ‘I don’t think I have much choice. I would far sooner trust Nanny’s potion than do chemotherapy. My hair would fall out and goodness knows what it would do to the rest of my body. And there’s no guarantee that it will work either. No, I’ve decided. I’m going to take a chance on Donal.’ And that’s what she did. Sure, Donal had seen his mother make up those potions thousands of time. He knew exactly how to do it.”

    “So, it was agreed that the grand lady would pay someone to live permanently with Donal. Sure, you remember Kitty Murphy, who was widowed young and her sons went off to England to become navvies. Well, she was only too happy to move into the cottage and look after Donal, and get paid for it too. So, Donal had a mission in life now. He spent most days searching the hedgerows for the ingredients for the grand lady’s potion. It took him a whole week, so Kitty said, to make just one jar. Anyway, after a year or so, didn’t the doctors declare that the cancer had gone, just as it had the previous time. The Bentley once again was seen parked outside the Burrows’s cottage. The grand lady got out, her cheeks all rosy with health. When she saw Donal she ran up to him and threw her arms around him and they hugged for a good ten minutes, so Kitty said. Well, she offered Donal everythin’ under the sun but like his mother he said he didn’t want nothin’. ‘All I want is Kitty,’ says Donal. ‘I love Kitty. Kitty’s my little woman.’ They all laughed at this. Kitty didn’t mind at all bein’ called Donal’s little woman. She knew he was harmless.”

    “Donal lived for another six years. Many people wouldn’t trust him with the potions. Others would and I’m damn sure he cured a good many. Donal died just like his mother with a bad dose of the flu. Kitty called the ambulance but it was too late. He’d stopped breathin’ by the time they reached Wexford town. Well, there wasn’t one person in Shannagh that wasn’t in mournin’ for the next good while. The grand lady came down and wasn’t she very tearful throughout the ceremony. Oh, there wasn’t another man or woman in the whole townland that got a better send-off. The church was so packed many people had to stand out in the rain during the service. Oh, Donal was very much loved. Sure, he was in and out of every house, always laugin’ and smilin’ and wantin’ to hug you. ‘Twas a very sad day when Donal died. And, worst of all, the recipes for all them potions and cures died with him. Once, a good while ago now, I says to this doctor I met at the Shannagh show, I says, ‘Now, if you quacks had any sense in you, you’d go up to the Burrows’s cottage, take away some of them jars and see why they can cure cancer when you boys with all your edication and noledge can’t.’ Well, do ye know what he says to me? He says, ‘That’s nothing but gobbledygook.’ ‘Now, what do you mean by that?” says I. ‘Nonsense.’ ‘Well, let me tell you, Sir,’ says I. ‘There was no mumbo jumbo out of Nanny Burrows. She never slagged the doctors like they slagged her.’ Innocent until proven guilty, isn’t that what they say. Well, until someone proves the opposite I’d as soon call the likes of Quighan and Muldoon quacks as I would Nanny Burrows. What I know for a fact anyway, she never killed no one, but I wouldn’t like to say the same for them quacks of doctors.”

    “Well, I suppose we’ll never know now,’ said my father.

    “And more’s the pity,’ said Jimmy, nodding his head. “Tell me now, Boss. Did Quighan give you a prescription?”

    “Yes, he did. He recommended a cough mixture. Cory said it should do the trick.”

    “Next time, Boss, save yourself a journey. I could give you the name of a cough mixture that always works for me. Though I wouldn’t say it’s as good as anythin’ Nanny Burrows could have given ye.” 

  • Chameleon – Adesiyan Oluwapelumi

    A chameleon camouflages into its environment as a means of defence. And remarkably, the substance of its presence smothers into a film of illusion. I am a chameleon.


    It was my first day in elementary school. I remember it vividly like a memory etched to the heel of my skull.

    I was awakened by the rooster heralding the break of dawn—my body tumbling out of my bed as excitement sprawled across my face. It was my big day—I had waited for this day with an admixture of anxiety and joy, ready to grace the four walls of an elementary class.

    My mother was already awake. She was heating the water for my bath. I was mature enough to bathe myself in my own philosophy—but my mother never approved of this. I hesitated but her will triumphed.

    After bathing, Mom picked up my neatly ironed and well-creased school uniform: a green and black chequered shirt, and a black shorts. Eagerly, I wore it, completing the outfit with my white socks and thick black shoes. 

    I looked at myself in the mirror. I smiled. There was an imprint of ecstasy on my cheek: a happy face.  But slowly, it blurred and my smile crimped into a sad face. My hands and face turned cold with fear.

    How am I going to make friends? Would I fit in? Would my classmates not say I am too tall for my class? 

    The only language I could communicate properly in then was the pidgin English, and I worried about how other children with versed manipulation and deft command of the English language would treat me. Would they be willing to talk to me or even understand me?

    I was terrified at the shame of this inadequacy. I was mostly terrified about everything, the totality of myself and people’s perception of me—they seeing me as a flawed mishap.


    It was in the wake of insurgency in the country that had made my father decide that my mother, my two siblings and I would relocate to the South-Western part of the country—precisely Oyo state—as a haven of refuge from the attacks in the North. 

    We used to live in Zamfara state where my father worked as a banker in the United Bank of Africa (UBA) PLC and my mother, a textile trader. We were an average family.

    By early 2012, the year we moved, leaving my father behind because he could not leave his job and the option of transfer was not allowed, the infamous militant rebel group, Boko Haram, had caused about 900 deaths in the Federation, evoking fear and unleashing their pang of horror into the Northern areas particularly Yobe, Borno and Adamawa.

    We moved to Ibadan late January and rented a two-bedroom flat bungalow. 

    Personally, it took some getting used to the environment because I missed the company of my father. I missed the hours where we would sit in the night and he would tell me and my siblings his adventures while he was young. 

    He would tell us stories of how he was a chronic prankster in school— how he often got punished and sometimes went scot-free. And stories of him with the ladies for he was a “lover boy.” It was always funny the tone in which he told the stories; like a disney character.

    I missed when he would come home with packets of  ice cream from the amazing Mr. Biggs and days when it was me and him only, gossiping through the night about how school had been. Now, it feels utterly lonely; I lusted for my father’s presence.

    When he called, his voice ringing into my ears like a rivulet of beads, it often comforted me. We would spend hours conversing about basically everything.

    However, that did not fill the chasm that had been chiselled into my heart, into my life. There was a void, a big hole within me, that not even a telekinetic device could fill. Often, he taught me not to be afraid of my peers at school or feel shy but once that connection broke, that confident mechanism in me broke too.

    Back then when I was in Zamfara, I schooled in ECWA Primary and Nursery school. My friends, J and K, were my closest companions and we would spend our break time jumping around, playing tag races and having fun.

    One particular day, we had a dare contest during break time. We had to jump over the school fence without getting caught by the teacher on duty. The winner of the dare would be crowned “the king of the group” for the next week. 

    J, who was always very competitive, took the lead and jumped first. He made it safely over the fence without being seen by the teacher. It was K’s turn next, and she was feeling nervous. Her hands were trembling as she climbed up on the fence. But she took a deep breath and took the leap.

    As K jumped, she landed with a thud, and the teacher heard her fall. He came running towards the fence and caught her in the act. K started crying, fearing the punishment she would receive. J and I ran over to comfort her, but we knew that we had to let the teacher take her away. We felt so bad for our friend, but we knew that we had to respect the rules of the school. After K was taken away, we all felt a little bit lost without her. The rest of the day felt quiet without her.

    After school, we met up at our usual hangout spot to wait for K. We knew she would be feeling upset, so we brought her some of her favourite treats to cheer her up. When she finally arrived, she looked teary-eyed and sad. But as soon as she saw us, she ran over and gave us a big hug. We told her that everything would be okay, and we would always be her friends, no matter what. She smiled and said that she was glad to have friends like us. 

    We spent the rest of the day talking and laughing.

    We made a pact to always be friends, but it clearly never lasted.

    On the day I  had to leave Zamfara, I had to watch my father say goodbye to us knowing we were not going to see that face for a very long time. I had to say goodbye to my friends and to our home.

    My  heart was stricken with sorrow. I remembered I wept all through the journey. Things were never going to be the same from here on. I would miss my friends, school, my dad and mostly, the person I was in this environment.

    ***

    I entered my classroom, Primary one A, after being directed by the headmistress. From the door, my heart began panting. I said my greetings to the class teacher and I took my seat second to the last row. It seemed like a spontaneous selection but I knew it was not. It was the best seat to detract any form of attention during class activities. The teacher often questioned the students in the first row or last row, reducing my chances of being questioned. 

    At 7:30am, the bell rang for assembly and we all gathered outside. There was a devotion prayer followed by a welcome address given by the Proprietress of the school and, afterwards, the matching in song. It was the song “Oh, The Grand Old Duke of Yolk”. Back then I did not know the lyrics. So, I just stood watching as other pupils’ lips moved. A petite girl in a hijab beside me gazed at me, her eyes surveying me from top to bottom. She turned to her friend on the line, and whispered something in her ear. They both looked at me, and laughed. I wondered why they laughed. Then I heard.

    I could hear the other girl saying: “He is too tall to be in Primary One”. It  made me feel awkward. I was shamed for my height, something I did not even have control over. It was pathetic.

    “And he is not even fine. His face resembles that of a monkey”, I heard the first girl say. Saddened by her words, a tear rolled down my cheek.


    After the assembly, our class teacher came in, addressed and orientated us about the new class. She began by asking to know our names. I observed as everyone stood one by one calling  out their name with incredulous fluency, till it got to my turn:

     I stood and before I could even say anything, a boy in the front row burst into laughter.  The teacher stood him up and demanded to know why he had laughed. He gave no response, scratching his forehead. She stood him up till the class ended.

    Within me, I knew why he laughed; I was the tallest in the class and, perhaps, to them, I was the ugliest too. I was flawed, I knew this but my peers made it feel like an abomination.

    Next, the teacher decided to elect a class captain. She chose  to pick at random. I was agitated but, at the same time, calm; why would she select me? 

    Her eyes surveyed the class from row to row before settling on me. Me! “You look serious and gentle, you would be the class captain,” she said. I caught my breath several times, heaving silently in a bid not to faint.

    But she picked me anyway. I bluntly rejected it. I could not manage it. All of a sudden, the class burst into laughter. I realised I had spoken in pidgin. “I no fit do am. I dey scared,”  I had said. My tongue trembled. I looked down at my feet, feeling embarrassed. The teacher cautioned them from laughing but they went on. She insisted on me being the class captain whether I liked it or not. It was not an option.

    Throughout that day, I did not talk to anyone nor did anyone talk to me. During lunch break, my teacher, whose eyes I had felt observing me, asked why I did not join my classmates playing around outside. I told her I could not, I was too afraid of getting embarrassed again. 

    After the break, we began mathematics class. We were taught the addition of two digit numbers. I found it easy and simple but my sitting partner, who was a girl, did not. As the teacher taught us, I observed she was just kissing her teeth in annoyance that she couldn’t comprehend what was being taught. I asked if I could help her after the teacher finished.

     She looked at me with piercing eyes: “What would you know? Common English you can’t construct properly. Please…”

    Something writhed and died in me that day. Whatever little crumb of self-esteem I had left decayed.


    By Primary two, my spoken language had become better and a bit polished. I had pulled all tenacity into my study of the English language to make sure I could speak fluently just like my peers. I drowned myself in my studies and, consequently, I lead the class as the second-best student. I thought this would attract friends to me.  It did not. 

    Instead, it repelled them. I was nicknamed bookworm, and the “laughing at” never stopped. It got worse. Whenever I answered a question in class, I would hear some of my peers say “He’s an ITK” meaning I always acted like I knew it all. But that wasn’t true. 

    Depressed, I took to reading, spending my time in the library, invested in the world of fantasies and fairytales  I sank into the magic of book: “Gulliver’s Travels”, “Frankenstein”, “Cinderella”, “Peter Pan”, “Bambi”, “Beauty and The Beast” and many more several tales, their stories were etched into my memory. I was so fascinated with these stories, I began to make my own—including daydreaming myself as a character in them. My narrative was somewhat different: I was a prince needing rescue, not the other way around. It sounds pretty but it really was a sad philosophy.

    By Primary Three, I was still the boy too shy to have friends or too awkward for people to be friends with. But I had something different. I had my stories with me and they were my friends. My best friend was Prince Charming in the Snow White story. I wished I possessed his charm, his confidence and beauty. More than a wish, I was desperate to be like him. Often, I compiled short stories together, writing tales that were a novel retelling of the fairytales I had read or from scenes around me. 

    I didn’t want to show it to my classmates but during breaks, some of them would see me scribbling and venture to investigate what I was up to. They discovered I was writing these stories. More surprisingly, some of them loved it and asked if they could read it. It became a tool I used to forge friendships with many of my classmates. My biggest fans back then turned out to be my very first friends and best friends and prolly my only sincere ones. They were Eniola and Moyosore. 

    Every lunch break, we would spend our leisure talking about stories we had read and the ones we had written, for we loved to read and tell stories too. We had this in common. Therefore, I never felt entirely alone. 

    Moyosore would argue Peter Pan could never beat Robin Hood in a fight and I would argue otherwise. We would conjecture theories, build stories and fantasize. Eniola never argues, he was too obsessed with and smitten by the beauty of Rapunzel. Sometimes, he forgets she was not real. Eniola was clowny and this often made me smile.Eniola also had a knack for telling jokes that were so silly, they made everyone laugh. Even on the worst days, Eniola could make us feel better with just a few silly words.

    My friends did not care how I looked, and for a moment, I had found a place to belong without feeling inferior or awkward. 

    But like good things were short-lived, a horrible thing happened when we got to Primary four; Eniola left for another school and Moyosore relocated overseas. I was heartbroken, my first, and I crawled back into my shell like a mollusk. I lost my place in the world all over again.


    By the beginning of Junior Secondary School, things changed. I realised I could not stay crawled up in my shell forever and so I came out. But it was not me, it was a form I modified to the behavioural patterns of my peers. I acted like them so I could be with them. 

    I learned their slang and verbalised them. I learnt the popular songs they often talked about and hummed them pretentiously during class to display my familiarity with the pops. 

    I talked about girls because they too did. I thought of everything I thought of because they thought of it. Now that I think of it, I talked and related with them as my friends but they were not really my friends. A friend knows you;  none of them knew me because I did not give them a chance. 

    I did not reveal my true self. I became a chameleon. For years, I lived this way, camouflaging.

    It is amazing how the moon hangs in the sky, its false light glistening through the clouds, night after night, that we sometimes forget its true colour. Sometimes, what we call the moon is no longer the moon because we do not think of it that way any longer.


    About last year, weeks before my final exams in secondary school, I stopped deceiving myself. I read a self help book on being confident in one’s identity and these words struck and spoke to me: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

    I realised I have authority over what I choose to believe about myself and what I don’t. Enough of the self-sabotaging. It was tiring. It is tiring—liking something I do not just like because my so-called friends like them and so they can like me. It kills me. It is a sad philosophy. It is not a defence. Forcing myself to fit into where I do not  naturally fit into, my friend and therapist  once told me, is utterly pathetic. You should not have to change yourself to belong anywhere. I should not have to.

    Now, I am learning to triumph over the complexities of my identity. I have stopped trying to fit in because my awkwardness is what distinguishes me from the multitude. I am unique because of the totality of all my inadequacies and deformities. My imperfection is my personhood, and if I lose it, I lose myself. So, no more blending to fit into peer groups or sects nor bending to the complex rules of the society. I refuse to be a chameleon.

    I am not a chameleon. I am not a chameleon. I am not a chameleon.


    Adesiyan Oluwapelumi, TPC XI, is a medical student, poet, essayist & Assistant Editor of Fiery Scribe Review from Nigeria. Winner of the Team Booktu Poetry Contest (2024), Cheshire White Ribbon Day Contest(2022), NiMasa Cancer Awareness Poetry contest (2024) & Konya Shamsrumi Poetry Contest(2024), his works are featured/ forthcoming in 20.35, Isele Magazine, Fantasy Magazine, Poet Lore, Tab Journal, Poetry Wales, Variant Literature & elsewhere. An Adroit Journal Summer Mentee & SprinNG Writers’ Fellow, his works were selected for inclusion in the Annual Outstanding Young Writers Anthology(Paper Crane, 2023). He tweets @ademindpoems

  • A Song for Sundays – Vrinda Chopra

    There is only so much that algorithms and memories can tell you. 

    My Spotify tells me that this month Keane’s ‘Somewhere Only We Know’ is the song I have listened to the most. Spotify tells me my mood is mellow, like a Sunday afternoon. What it does not tell me is that I miss my sister. 


    It was a Sunday afternoon late in March. At least, I think it was a Sunday afternoon late in March. I know the marigolds were almost done blooming. It was not yet hot, but the promise of a hot Indian summer was in the air. My sister and I were lazing in my room. In April, we will start a new school semester. But, before then, our days were open and free. I am reading, she is drawing. The new Keane song comes on. We both hum along:  

    I walked across an empty land
    I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
    I felt the earth beneath my feet
    Sat by the river and it made me complete

    We both loved the song. I am not sure why. Maybe it was trending at the time? I do remember that, with time, we forgot about the song as teenagers do until we heard a fresh rendition a few years later–this time on the American Teen TV show, Glee

    We used to watch Glee on Sunday afternoons. Since we otherwise sang straightjacketed songs in the school choir, we enjoyed watching the flamboyant performance of Glee Club singing songs that we would actually listen to. Our Bollywood sensibilities would rejoice every time a character breaks into a song when big feelings come up.

    One of the early–and quite remarkable–songs in the first season of Glee was “Somewhere only we know”. This “version”–popularly known in urban terms as ‘cover’–was younger and brighter in its tonality: the singer clearly enunciating the words, their voices rising above the music. In the original, the music and vocals are deeply enmeshed in each other. 

    We liked the Glee Club cover and soon forgot the original. Now, instead of humming, we sang loudly. It never occurred to me to wonder why this song about nostalgia and weariness was so appealing to us. A response came to me later as the song became the background score of my summer of endless Sun-days in Kashmir. The summer that came after the March my sister passed away. The year I played with a starling. The same year the song, which I had heard a million times, took on new meanings. 


    Headphones on, I am writing to my sister sitting on a bench at the garden’s entry when a flock of mynas (starlings) distracts me. They are pecking at the grass noisily, unmindful of my presence. Annoyed, I leave my letters and walk towards them. The mynas scatter and fly away. Except one.  

    I try to shoo her away like the others. But, as I turn back to the bench, she follows. Curious, I reverse my steps. The myna matches my movements. Again, I try to shoo it away. But I see it waddling back just as I sit down. Maybe it wants seeds or crumbs. I crumble the biscuit I had brought out with me. The myna makes no attempt to peck at the crumbs. Instead, she waddles away and looks back. I follow the myna with the crumbs in hand and somehow, we end up playing tag. After a while, I get tired and the myna flies away. 

    I retreat to the diary of letters to my sister, slipping on my headphones. The following lines are playing

    I came across a fallen tree
    I felt the branches of it looking at me
    Is this the place we used to love?

    My mother’s family home in Kashmir was a summer retreat. V and I loved it there. Just the previous summer, we spent a month at the house as she recovered from the latest rounds of chemotherapy. She and I would sit at the bench where I now sit with the diary of letters to her. We would often feed the birds together, and I would read, while she would practice with her camera—taking pictures of a bent-over rose bush that my mother’s grandfather planted several decades ago. The rose bush was showing signs of life, despite a harsh winter. V, with a camera in hand, was showing signs of life, as well. 

     The old plum tree near the rose bush was dying. “Remember that year,” I ask V, “when you climbed onto the roof of the car reaching for ripe plums.” She smiles and nods, looking a bit drained. “I remember,” she says. 

    I had watched her, terrified she might fall; instructing her to be careful while collecting the plums she had plucked in a basket. But V tells me that she asked me to help her, to look out for her. In remembering the conversation alone, I think, perhaps, I liked the version where I was the one who volunteered to help her—to look out for her.

     I feel tired now. Since every day is a “sun day” in Kashmir, with nothing to do, I take a nap.  

      The next day, the myna returns and our play resumes. When she flies away, I remember a summer of our pre-teen years. There was a war on, in the upper regions of Kashmir, bordering Pakistan: The Kargil war. But, here at the house in Srinagar, we were oblivious. We rarely went outside the boundaries of the house, yet we were thoroughly entertained. We ran around the cars, the porch, the garden playing tag. Older and taller, I should have been ahead of her. But she was fast and athletic. She always caught up with me. 

    Is this the place I have been dreaming of? 

    I write to V, about my memories, about more-than-human encounters, about growing up together. And now having to grow old alone. I am vaguely aware that there were others around, that my grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles and cousins were there with us. Another year, when we returned to Srinagar, we helped our grandfather with a rickety old refrigerator. When it was finally installed, my grandfather took a nap on the couch. His snores matched the loud, robotic hum of the refrigerator. V and I were tickled endlessly, laughing till our stomachs hurt. 

    When I remember it’s just me and her. The whole world fades into the background. The game with the myna was also a private game of tag. Just me and the starling. We play until she flies away. 


    Looking at my Spotify Sound Capsule, I think how Sundays and summers were never the same again. The lazy afternoons are long gone. ‘Somewhere Only We Know’ is now a totem for my yearning to return to a time when nostalgia was not a feeling but a concept. Like you knew the song made you feel something, but you had not yet felt that feeling yourself.

    The music used to only strike a chord and the lyrics were for belting out, imitating a show we watched, imagining our voices to mean something in a world that lay wide open in front of us. Now, the surface notes acquired new depths. Like when you read something at different times and pick up new inflections. Like when you walk across a path enough number of times, it takes on new shapes under your feet. 

    The band Keane, when asked about the song’s meaning, have often responded saying that it is about a place, time and memory that meant something to the songwriter, but it can also be about any place, any time and any memory that might mean something to those who are listening. And I was listening–Is this the place we used to know? Is this the place we used to love?  

    In playing with the myna and writing to my sister with Somewhere Only We Know’ in the background, I conjugated my grief, made new shapes and patterns with it. I carved out some wiggle room to remember the place we used to know, the place we loved—not only a physical space but one I recollected from past summers and Sundays.  


    This could be the end of everything

    So, why don’t we go somewhere only we know?
    Somewhere only we know. 

    The place of my grief is not a place my sister or my Spotify playlist will know. That place sits within me. I make and remake that place as I draw patterns between the times I shared with V, and the times I have not. After 12 years of losing her, my memories are now unsure yet intense. An algorithm reminds me that I miss my sister. What it does not tell me is that, in missing her, I think of Sunday afternoons when life was normal only because that life came before this one—the one I am living now. That life became a level with no apparent way to reach for it, no car to climb onto and pluck moments. In any case, even in memory, it was V on the roof of the car, not me. 

    I am getting tired, and I need somewhere to begin. 

    So, I begin with my song for Sundays as I add texture and depth to an algorithm that knows nothing of my grief but simply reads it as a mood. 

  • Catching the Wind – Theophilus Mshelia Sokuma

    1

    Bolaji showed me pictures of his mother the first week we started dating. We were seated side by side on a blue sofa in the living room of his flat in Surulere. The sky had been holding imminent rain and it opened and sent needles down to the earth, washing the air, cleaning up the atmosphere that had for days been coloured with smoke and dust. He brought out a large, embossed photo album with plastic flowers on the cover page and told me to go through it while he made lunch.

    In one of the photos, his mother was a young girl sporting a low-cut. She’d worn a blue pinafore and had stared into the camera with daring eyes. It was the same eyes Bolaji had, bulging eyes that glowed in pictures, and held so much and spoke so much. He only needed to look at me with those eyes and the ground under my feet would turn to water. In another picture, she was a young girl and was seated on a stool, wearing iro and buba, her gele a mountain on her head, a huge bag on her lap and a bright smile stretching her face.

    As I gazed at the pictures, I felt a pang of longing, a sort of longing for something you never possessed but nonetheless missed. As though sensing my thoughts, he mentioned that his mother put the album in his bag when he was moving into the flat, and told him in that melodramatic tone mothers always used, that he should show the album to any girl he wanted to get married to so she can know from the onset that he is a Mummy’s Boy. 

    “But there’s no girl in the picture. There’s never going to be,” he said. I smiled a sad smile on his mother’s behalf but also felt the slow budding of anxiety’s roots in me. 

    “So how many boys have you shown this album to?”

    “None. I never felt the need to. I guess it’s because of how you talk about missing your mum and how you always seem interested whenever I talk about mine. So I wanted to share my mum with you.”

    2

    I finally met Bolaji’s mother a year after he showed me the pictures of her.  I picked her up at MM2 airport, and after the initial inquiries about the flight and how she was doing, our lips settled on silence. I drove from the airport through busy Lagos roads. The city was alive and breathing. Cars were stuck in a bubble of stagnancy while hawkers raced in the traffic with bottles of cold water and soft drinks—lives were pouring into each other in chaotic bursts at every street corner—and I felt Bolaji’s mother’s exhaustion.

    Lagos was never a city she was keen on visiting. She preferred the sanity and slowness of Ilorin to the madness that lay on the street in Lagos. Bolaji had invited her several times to come spend time with him in Lagos, but she always resisted, saying she had her school to look after and Lagos was too much for her old frame to handle. Prior to this meeting, our relationship had solely existed via telephone calls. Bolaji had introduced me to her as his friend and flatmate, and after every call they had, she would tell him to “greet that your friend”. 

    When we reached the intersection at Allen Avenue, three child-beggars pressed their faces to the sides of the car, and Bolaji’s mother asked me to wind down. She reached for her purse and brought out three N100 notes and handed them over to the children, one after the other.

    “These children, they are everywhere,” she said.

    “Yes,” I answered, not quite knowing where “everywhere” meant.

    Sitting beside me as I drove, her face had such a striking resemblance to Bolaji—the same eyes that roamed around when caught in an uncomfortable situation—and it reminded me of when both of us would wear makeup, our heads covered in the many wigs we acquired over the months as we posed, in our room, before a camera, and I felt within me a thick sadness, and a prayer hummed inside me: that Bolaji be caught once more within the glittery web of pure, unbridled freedom and aliveness.

    Four days ago, Bolaji and I were in the middle of playing Monopoly as was our ritual every Saturday when he began complaining of a headache. I assumed he was just trying to escape being beaten yet again, but when the complaint persisted, I placed my hand against his forehead to check his temperature and his skin felt like a burning plate against my hand. We assumed it was his yearly Malaria visit, and I rushed to the pharmacy down the street to buy antimalarials, but by evening, there was still no relief. I suggested a hospital visit, and in his typical nonchalant way, he thought I was getting worried; he would be fine in no time.

    When we got to the hospital, while waiting in the reception for the doctor to attend to us, his fever intensified. The nurses rushed him into a room and placed him on a drip. His fever broke, and it seemed as if everything was alright. He fell asleep. Hours later, he was still asleep. I tried to wake him up so he could take his bath and eat, but he simply stayed there–unmoving. I remember my hands taking on a life of their own, tremors coming alive in them. Later that night, when Bolaji’s mother called like she always did, I explained what happened to her. I wanted to tell her not to worry, but the words felt untrue on my lips.

    “Should I take you to the house first or the hospital?” I asked.

    “The hospital, please.”

    “Alright, ma,” I said, as I passed the women selling food in large coolers at the junction, and then edged the car onto the street leading to the hospital.

    “How is he?” she asked.

    “The doctors have not said anything definite yet. They said it’s bacterial meningitis. He has been unconscious for 3 days now.” I knew she had been waiting for me to lead the conversation into the terrain we both were unwilling to venture into, but I had been too wary of her presence and everything it held, and this filled my mouth with silence. 

    I drove the car into the hospital, and my face held a smile for the security man, who had been warm and cordial during all our hospital visits. His warm nature always earned him monetary compensation from Bolaji and for the past three days I have been in the hospital, I could sense in his earnest gaze and fatty greetings a pecuniary expectation. I had always thought it mercenary, the expectation of benevolence people like him had of those caught in the embrace of pain, grief, and uncertainty but Bolaji thought it to be rather humane. “No one chooses to shed their dignity by begging unless the situation demands it,” he would say. 

    After parking the car, I moved away from Bolaji’s mother to the security man, eager to breathe air different from her. I took out a thousand naira from my pocket and handed it over to him, and his entire being bent into a shape of gratitude.

    The hospital was a towering white mass, and I walked into it with a lethargy that was becoming of me. The inside was cold. In my movement was the visceral contemplation of where to place myself in relation to Bolaji’s mother. Should I be in front, or should I walk behind her? Despite the frequent greetings we exchanged over phone calls, there was still a pang of uncertainty, and movement, unsure with her. I had been a feature of her son’s life for the past two years, inhabiting a space that should be inhabited only by a wife. But what was I to her son? 

    The nurses at the reception smiled at me, especially the one with the light skin and a voice that was soft like the wind on your skin, who had shown a peculiar interest in me or in Bolaji rather. Agnes was her name. She looked like the kind of girl every mother would want for their son. She was beautiful and had a calm face. She always came into the room to see how I was and to check up on Bolaji and would ask if I was served lunch even though I always told her I was fine and had already eaten something. The nurse curtsied to greet Bolaji’s mother and I imagined Bolaji falling in love with her and his mother blessing their union. I imagined the joy that would line his mother’s face at their wedding. How she —dressed in the most expensive lace—would move around from table to table as the guests called her “Iya Oko.” (Mother of the groom).

    A few months ago, she had begun talking about marriage to Bolaji. Always starting the story with yet another tale of a cousin, a nephew or a family friend who had recently married or given birth. Once, she asked me to talk to Bolaji: “He needs to remove his head from work. It’s not every time ‘work, work’. He is not getting younger; ‘thirty years’ is no longer a child. Neither  am I getting younger. Beg him for me o. If he does not want a Lagos girl, I can get one for him here in Ilorin. ” 

    I remember asking Bolaji about it one cool evening. We were together in the bedroom. He was tending the potted plants he had dutifully acquired over the years while the sun splashed orange rays on them. 

    “She is my mother, and we are close. She thinks we are just good friends,” he said as he examined the plants and sprayed their leaves with water. 

    “So, you don’t think she knows?” I asked.

    “I don’t know. She may have her suspicions. Remember I told you she caught me kissing a boy when I was 7? And there was this time when she took me from church to church to pray the gayness away. If she doesn’t realise the truth, then she is lying to herself. Mothers always know this,” Bolaji replied.

    “Do you think you will ever tell her about us?” I asked.

    “When we get to that bridge, we will cross it.” and he returned to spraying his plants. 

    I knew his ignoring this conversation was a way of not upsetting his relationship with his mother. In his silence, there was a maintenance of whatever character of denial in which his mother was. Bolaji’s relationship with his mother was one I found admirable and made me aware of an emptiness in my life. Even though he had brought me into the hallowed circle consisting of only him and his mother, there was still the thick air of fear that surrounded the both of us.

    Bolaji was someone I considered wholesome, with enough roots in him. His job involved photographing queer bodies in different poses of defiance. His most recent exhibitions had been described by Ade Coker, the popular art critic, as bold and daring, pushing the boundaries of freedom for queer bodies. But he had struggled with fully actualizing this freedom for himself.

    Mothers always know, I have heard several times. But my mother died while I was still a baby and I as such was not privy to this communion between mother and son. My father and brothers had turned their backs on me after I came out to them in my final year at the university. Sometimes, I wondered if my mother would have stood by and watched my brothers send me out into the night if she had been alive.

    When we got to Bolaji’s ward, where he lay on his back as though in a peaceful sleep, I felt myself fold at the sight. His mother moved closer to the bed, gently touched his forehead, and suddenly turned toward me, asking to see the doctor. 

    “Bacterial meningitis,” the doctor repeated to Bolaji’s mother. “I’m sorry but we didn’t catch it on time.” We were seated in the doctor’s office, with its white walls covered with pictures of the human respiratory system and the cold smell of chemicals and something else. Fear. 

    “Is there anything that can be done?” she asked. 

    “We have administered some antibiotics and now we can only watch and wait.”

    From the moment the words that rang empty of hope dropped from his lips, I saw the silence come for Bolaji’s mother, engulfing her; her once bright eyes turned grey; her every movement paid obeisance to silence.. 

    After we returned to Bolaji’s room, his mother sat by his bed, her eyes fixed on him as he slept. Like a child caught in a beautiful dream,  he looked beautiful asleep. He looked so beautiful that my heart ached.

    His mother rummaged through the bag and brought out a bottle of Goya olive oil. 

    “The Bible says where two or three are gathered, he is there in their midst.” She looked at me. “And we are three here.” She said, pointing to Bolaji.

    “Do you believe?” she asked.

    My eyes were that of a child’s searching for its mother. She took my hands in hers and held tightly onto them. They were rough and I wanted to escape from the grip. She shook our hands in forceful motion and let prayer descend from her lips. She prayed with a deep earnest supplication, her faith driving the movement of her body and I felt obliged to imbue my amen with a faith larger than a mustard seed.

    When the prayer ended, she dipped her finger in the oil and drew the cross on Bolaji’s forehead. Then, she asked me to come closer and she lined my head with the oil while muttering God bless you. After we finished, I looked at Bolaji, at how quiet his face was and hoped for a fluttering, the movement of fingers that indicated he was returning to us.

    Bolaji was not a believer. He had left the church years ago and never turned back. I, on the other hand–even though I had left the church, too–tend to have dark moments that would have my head turning, yearning to feel once more the sense of safety being in the church brought and I would stroll to the church down our street and join in their service. Bolaji never understood why I still had a soft spot for religion. I didn’t understand either. All I knew was that on some days, being in church was the only thing my soul craved. On every call he had with his mother, her pleading voice came at him, begging him to go to church “for the days are filled with evil.” Once, she asked me if I frequented church and I lied and said yes. 

    “Please make sure Bolaji goes with you. He can’t be going through life as if he owns his life. He needs to acknowledge God in his life.” 

    As I said, there are moments when I feel overwhelmed by a profound sense of the supernatural—a recognition of the potential for the divine. So, when Bolaji’s eyes fluttered to life the next morning, I firmly believed that the prayers had worked and that miracles do happen. His mother’s praises to God filled the air, and the nurses gazed in wonder. But the testimony was short-lived. When he opened his eyes and I looked into them, I could not see Bolaji in them. And when his mother called his name and said, “My son, it is me, your mother,” he looked at her with the gaze of one wondering what words meant.

    At first, the doctor said he needed time to return fully to himself, but I knew something was wrong. There was a light within me that wasn’t coming on, and there was a light in him that wasn’t coming on. The white in his eyes was gone. 

    I convinced Bolaji’s mother to go to the house to sleep while I remained with Bolaji in the hospital. I promised to keep her updated on everything that happened. I offered to drive her but she suggested a taxi. Before she left, she held onto Bolaji’s hands and squeezed them. 

    “Let me know if anything happens,” she said as she hugged me.

    That night was filled with turmoil. It was as though Bolaji’s body had forgotten how to be a body again and his mind had melted inside him as it came to in a pool of vomit and shit. He looked at me but did not see me and I struggled to reconcile the fragile body I held in my hands to the body that shared thick passion with me for the past three years. I held on tightly onto him, cleaning everything that poured out of him while trying to hold back my fear. As each moment ticked by, I could feel Bolaji disappear into the icy darkness of death. I held his hands tightly, weaving prayers into a web to bind the two of us together but even that had not been enough. 

    When the Doctor told me that Bolaji had not made it. I went blank, descending into a black hole, and tumbling into a disorienting spiral. I felt as though I was being exorcised from myself. My mind flashed to the blue notebook we wrote our plans for the coming months. Death wasn’t something we had factored into the plans for our lives. We had planned to see the House of Slaves museum in Senegal in a few weeks.

    Bolaji was planning a photography and film exhibition in Lagos. It was supposed to be a documentation of queer bodies in different slavery sites from Badagry to Senegal to Sierra Leone as a way of engaging the dehumanisation queer people faced across Africa. We had plans to go to South Africa to get married since we couldn’t get married in the country. Him dying was not something we bargained for. What will happen to all our dreams and hopes now? I thought. Bolaji had gone into the darkness and left me alone in the rain, with a loud pain echoing in my ribs. 

    The first person I called was Japheth. He rushed down to the hospital with the rest of my friends and when I met them at the reception, I wanted to lob myself into them, to bend into them so they could steady me but I held my body in an unbending shape. Even though I was grieving, I still was worried about how my grief would be perceived by onlookers in the hospital. 

    3

    In Bolaji’s tradition, it was taboo for a parent to set eyes on the corpse of their child, so Bolaji’s mother remained within the walls of the guest bedroom in our flat. I had to tuck my grief away to find the strength to handle the intricacies of the burial. The candle night was filled with my friends and friends of Bolaji, and a few of his extended relatives.

    As I stood there amidst the crowd in Japheth’s flat, with the flickering candlelight casting eerie shadows on the faces of those around me, emphasising the gravity of the moment, I felt my heart shatter into a thousand pieces. His friends and my friends shared stories of Bolaji, recalling different tidbits about his life. Yet, I couldn’t help but feel a profound sense of loss—an emptiness that seemed impossible to fill. For many of them here, Bolaji’s death was an interruption to their lives, but for me, it was an overhaul, a complete destruction of every ounce of certainty I had had. I was standing above a ground that could sooner or later be pulled from underneath me, and there would be nothing I would be able to offer up in the form of resistance.

    The burial procession was a sombre affair, marked by the slow, deliberate steps of friends and family as we made our way to his final resting place. As the white coffin descended into the ground, a dam broke inside me and I felt myself breaking with it. My body no longer became my body but rather a site of pain, filled with cracks. My pain was thick in my chest, burning and I held myself to prevent myself from pouring away. Japheth came and placed his hands on my shoulder as though comforting a crying child and my arms were wrapped around myself because I was all I had now. My grief was mine and the only person I always shared my pain with was the person for whom this pain burned. 

    Back in the house, I was left with my silence and Bolaji’s mother’s silence. She stayed in her room, and I stayed in mine, surrounded by trappings that reminded me of Bolaji. The first day after the funeral, I remained in bed, unmoving. The bed felt empty without him even though the pillows still carried his scent. Even the plants in their vases seemed sad and lonely, waiting for his hands and face to shower them with attention. But that wouldn’t happen ever again, and in no time, they too would die.

    To come close to what I thought death would feel like, I set the air conditioner to the lowest and wrapped myself with a duvet. I stared at the ceiling, listening to the sounds from outside. The rankling voices of children echoed from the nearby school, chanting the alphabet, numbers and multiplication tables in a unison of childlike cacophonies. I remembered whenever Bolaji would hear those voices, he would shout from our bedroom, “You better enjoy this moment. You will spend your adulthood wishing you could return to it.” Do children, in their wish to become adults, ever realise that they were inadvertently praying to die? That, as we lean closer to adulthood, every year we mark brings us closer to death? 

    In my bed, I strained to catch the teacher’s voice, but it arrived as a feeble gust. The grating sounds of generators and moving vehicles filtered into the room, and I attempted to count the seconds between each horn, finding a sense of comfort in the rhythm. When this endeavour wearied me, I rose from the bed and fixed my gaze upon the world outside my window. The sky resembled a clean blue glass, adorned with feathery clouds. Children darted around the neighbouring compound in their yellow uniforms, trying to catch the wind. Hawkers bustled through the streets, balancing their wares atop their heads. The world had not stopped. I wished it had.

    Later that evening, Bolaji’s mother came to knock on my door. She was wearing a nightgown and over it, she tied a wrapper around her chest and her head was bare. The patches of grey hair on her head stood like a halo. Warm air from the corridor splashed on my face. 

    “Won’t you come out and eat something? You have been inside all day.” 

    “I am not hungry,” I answered.

    She sighed and returned to the kitchen. A few minutes later, she knocked on the door again.

    “You need to eat my son,” she said this time around. “I cooked. Do you want me to eat all alone?”

    I was suddenly aware of how dishevelled I looked. I had been wearing the same pink shirt and shorts for two days and was sure I was smelling like a pile of unwashed clothes and my hair looked like dirty whorls. I had not stepped out of the room since the funeral. I had a lot of pending work from clients who were waiting for their brand design but I could not bring myself to get out of bed.  The only thing I knew intimately was my grief and sometimes I wondered if Bolaji’s mother thought I was overdoing it. It should be the other way around. I should be the one waiting on her, making lunch and ensuring everything is alright. She was the one who had lost a son, and I had just lost a friend. 

    “Alright,” I said. “I will join you soon”

    I quickly took a cold shower before joining her in the living room.On the dining table were two trays of Amala and Ewedu placed side by side, in the exact spot Bolaji and I always sat. I realised she must have gone to the market. Bolaji and I were supposed to go to the market the previous weekend to stock up the house with foodstuffs but that was the day he fell sick. She took a seat at the head of the table and I sat beside her. Her skin looked tired and she suddenly looked small, unsure, and I struggled to reconcile her unwavering voice I had heard several times over the phone to the image in front of me.

    “The kitchen was empty so I had to quickly go to the market to get things,” she said as she washed her hands in the bowl of water on the table.

     “You people’s Lagos is a very crazy place. Some boys tried to rob me at the market. One of them took my phone but I don’t know what they saw that made them return it. They came back and prostrated on the ground, begging me to please forgive them.”

    “Ma, I am so sorry that happened to you. You should have come to call me and I would have gone to the market myself.”

    “It is fine. They did not succeed. The Lord is keeping watch over me. And I wanted to go to the market myself. Sending a man to the market is like sending a child to battle. Why are you looking at the food like that? Abi, you don’t eat Amala and Ewedu ni?” 

    “I do,” I said. But I did not move to eat the food. Instead, I gazed at it and wondered about the length it took her to tuck in her grief, to maintain the calmness she was exuding, to even think about food. 

    “Bolaji always wanted to eat Amala. At one point, he wanted to eat it every day. I told him if he wanted to, he would have to cook it himself,” she said. 

    This statement punctured a hole inside me because it meant Bolaji would never return. 

    “The food is really nice,” I managed to say.

    “We thank God,” she said. 

    We continued eating in silence, the only sound between us was the sucking sounds she made as she ate. When we finished eating, I gathered the plates to take to the kitchen. 

    She followed me to the kitchen and stood beside me as I washed the plates. The water was cold on my hands and the Ewedu made slime gather in the sink. I searched my head for what to say but my head was filled with bubbles of silence. Bolaji’s mother didn’t say a word either. Instead, she stood with her arms folded around her chest and I could tell she had journeyed elsewhere in her mind. We said our goodnight and retired to our bedrooms. 

    The next morning, she came to knock on my door again. “I made breakfast,” she said. There was a bonnet on her head and her face seemed brighter. 

    I joined her in the living room and sat beside her in the same spot as the previous day. Breakfast was Akamu with Akara.

    “Pray for us,” she said. Her demeanour was mild, calm and gracious. 

    We began eating after my breezy prayer. 

    “You people have an industrial blender in the house,” she said. “I saw it last night and it occurred to me to make Akara. I soaked the beans last night and blended them this morning. So fast and easy.”

    I nodded my head and ate in silence. When we finished eating, I packed up the plates and Bolaji’s mother followed me to the kitchen and again stood in silence a few feet away from the sink.

    In the afternoon, I got into my car and drove through the familiar roads that Bolaji and I used to frequent, each curve and intersection laden with memories of our shared adventures. Eventually, my aimless drive led me to Japheth’s house. As I pulled up to the familiar curb that Bolaji and I had reached together on several occasions, the curb that began our story together, the tears, which had been held back for so long, welled up within me. When my father and brothers kicked me out of the house, I moved in with Japheth and it was at Japheth’s place that I met Bolaji. With no one to judge or console me, I allowed myself to cry loudly, releasing the pent-up emotions that had been building inside. I remained there in the car, the sun casting its warm embrace overhead. The inside of the car felt like a cocoon, a sanctuary from the world outside.

    “How has it been?” Japheth asked when I finally entered his apartment. 

    “I don’t know. I still have moments where I expect Bolaji to walk through that door. I still turn in bed expecting to find him beside me,” I said. 

    “How are you putting up with having his mother in the house?” 

    “It has been strange. We don’t talk much.”

    “For how long do you think she is going to be at the house?”

    “I don’t know. I can’t wait for her to leave though. But I can’t do anything if she decides to stay for longer.”

    “Are you sure you will not come and stay here with me for a while?”

    “I will be fine. Thank you. The house is where I need to be.”

    I didn’t know when sleep overtook me. By the time I woke up, it was evening already. By the time I got back to the house, Bolaji’s mother was asleep. And on the table was a covered plate of jollof rice gone cold.

    The next morning, Bolaji’s mother came knocking on the door once again. It was a serene Sunday morning, enveloped in the absence of children’s chants echoing from the school next door. In its stead were the harmonious voices of the nearby church, which sometimes meandered softly and at times resounded with a forceful presence. I had readied myself for breakfast, yet this time, there was no mention of a prepared meal. Instead, she inquired if she could enter. Stepping aside, I granted her passage into the room. She gracefully positioned herself at the room’s centre, her gaze gently exploring the corners as if seeking some hidden truth.

     I saw her eyes fall on the portrait of Bolaji and me, and this realisation drew me back into reality. I had not remembered to hide the portrait. My mind flashed back to when the portrait was taken —it was a cold, rainy day. Bolaji had set the camera on a tripod, and both of us were in bed, caught in a tender embrace. We were both naked; the white bed sheet, the only thing covering our lower bodies. 

    “Whose room is this?” she asked.

    “It is Bolaji’s room.” 

    “And where is your own room?” 

    “The guest bedroom. That’s where you are.”

    “But it was empty.” 

    “Yes. I moved my things here before you came.” 

    “I’ll be leaving tomorrow,” she said. “I have some things I need to attend to in Ilorin.” 

    Relief petals opened up in me. She walked towards the wardrobe, and I could see in her movements questions and a pallid uncertainty.

    “Bolaji turned his room into a bush,” she said, gesturing to the plants around the room. “I need to take care of his things. I believe there are a few things I could give out to family members in Ilorin.”

    I walked to the wardrobe in a hazy bubble. I opened it and began staring at the clothes on the hanger. The blue corduroy shirt I got him because I thought they would look good on him, the Maroon kaftan I made for his 30th birthday photoshoot last year. The peach shirt I got for him just so he could own something in a colour that I loved. As I looked at each piece of clothing, wondering which one to pick out, the memories held within their seams—memories of passion, love, joy, laughter— jumped at me with a lucid potency and I began feeling tremors take over my hands and my knees. 

    “No,” I said, my voice quiet, scared. “I don’t think Bolaji would want us to get rid of his things so quickly.”

    “Oko mi, What happened?” She asked.

    “I’m sorry but I just feel it’s too early and it feels as if you are eager to get rid of his memory.” 

    “But he was my son.”

    “And he was my boyfriend,” I blurted out. “We were together.” I breathed.

    “No! Don’t say that,” she exclaimed, firmly. “Don’t say that rubbish,” she continued. Her words struck me more profoundly than my own declaration had. Placing her finger over her lips, she gestured for me to be quiet. I noticed tremors in her hands, and I saw it for what it was: fear. But fear of what?  Does a child cease to be yours the moment you realise their divergence from your expectations? What does parenthood encompass if not an unwavering embrace of your child? To bring a child into the world is an act of faith, as it involves nurturing an individual who will eventually carve their unique path, and to anticipate anything less is to undermine that very faith.

    “My son was not that kind of person,” she said. “Bolaji was a good son” 

    “But he was. He was gay. And being gay did not make him a bad son. And rubbish is you pretending as if you didn’t know and pestering him to get married knowing fully well what he was. Rubbish is what we have been doing these past few days—pretending to be cordial when we both know that you can’t stand to see my face because I remind you of what your son was. Rubbish is Bolaji dying and leaving me here all alone.” I rushed in one staggering breath.

    I could not stop the words from coming out. The tremors in my hands increased and I felt my chest tighten in pain and I wanted to run away. Bolaji’s mother stood there dazed, her eyes wide in shock. 

    “Did Bolaji ever tell you about his father?” She asked after a long silence. She had moved away from me and was at the work table, staring at the portrait of Bolaji and me.

    “No, ” I said. 

    “The stupid man died before Bolaji was born. He just died. Just like that and left me all alone with a heavy pregnancy. The night before he was to travel for that work meeting, I had a bad dream and I was screaming. He was the one who woke me up even. And I told him. I told him to not travel but he refused to listen to me. He refused. He said it’s my pregnancy that’s causing it. See, I was angry at him for not listening. Ah, I was very angry at him, I could not even allow myself to cry.”

    “So in my anger and my grief, I took everything he owned and gave it away. The ones I could not give, I burnt. I thought it would make the pain easier but it didn’t. I gave birth to Bolaji and every time I looked at him, it was Ajibola I saw. So I could not say pim about his father because grief sewed my lips with thread.”

    She took a deep breath and sat on the bed. “I spent a better part of his teenage years praying this thing away. I took him to one church after the other so this thing could go away from him but it never did. And now he is dead. What is the lesson here? That is what I have been asking myself. What is the lesson? Why did God allow this to happen?”

    My tremors suddenly stopped and in their place were clarity and a serene ease. I opened the other side of the wardrobe and pulled out two photo albums and walked to where she was.

    “He showed me this album the first week we started dating,” I said. 

    She didn’t need to open the album to know what was inside. 

    “And we started keeping something similar, too.”

    I opened the second album and placed it before her. The first image was of Bolaji and me standing on a rock on the beach. Our fingers were glued together. The picture had been taken on a cool evening at Landmark Beach where the breeze was a cool towel on your face and the ocean a soft, rippling blue sheet. Bolaji had chosen the picture to be the first picture that welcomed anyone looking through the album. “I feel this picture says everything that needs to be said about us,” he had said. I waited for her to flip through the pages, to enter into a world inhabited by just Bolaji and me.  There was joy in those pages and I wanted her to see it. To let her know that Bolaji was happy, that we were happy. She began flipping through the pages. She stared at each picture intently, at the life Bolaji and I had carefully cultivated. 

    “Where was this?” She asked, pointing to a picture.

    “This was the slave port at Badagry.”

    “He reminds me of his father here. His father too loved the sea.”

    I wanted to tell her Bolaji didn’t love the sea. He was scared of it. When she came across a picture of Bolaji kissing me on the cheeks, I noticed her face tense up. 

    “He looks so happy here,” she said, pointing to a picture of Bolaji on our third anniversary.

    “We still had so much to do together,” I said. 

    “Death,” she screamed out. “You have dealt with me twice. Ah. My son is gone. My son is gone! What will I do with myself now? What will become of me? No husband. No son. Nobody!”

     I felt the urge to apologise for everything, for Bolaji dying. For him dying without leaving her a family by which she could remember him.

    “I am your son,” I said, holding her hands. I knew Bolaji would have wanted me to say this. 

    “Oko mi,” she said. She dropped the album, turned towards me, and pulled me into a deep hug. I felt the heaving of her chest and the thickness of her grief. She smelled of Shea butter and coconut. She smelled of pain and hurt. I stayed there, bent into her while the horns of vehicles from outside rent the air and the cold air from the air conditioner poured over us like confetti. She pulled away and continued looking through the pictures. She flipped through the album, wading deeper and deeper into my world with Bolaji. I watched as she watched us and I knew that if Bolaji was here, he would have brought out his camera to take a picture of this moment.


    Theophilus Mshelia Sokuma is a Nigerian writer whose work has been featured in publications such as The Republic, Lolwe, Isele Magazine and others. He is an alumnus of the Purple Hibiscus Writing Workshop and an MFA candidate in Fiction at the Iowa Writers’ Workshop. 

  • Domestic Accident – Chizitere Madeleine Nwaemesi

    Today you’re in Australia, in a few days you will be in Nigeria. You have failed your graduate studies courses. A lot of things need to be done. Firstly, you will report to work and resign without having to explain why you have been absent without notice for twenty-one days. Secondly, you need to tell your uncle about the shadow that bears Mmirimma’s physique and a masquerade’s phiz that kept muttering “God did not answer your mother” in fierce whispers into your ears at night. You did none. Instead you bought and booked a flight ticket to Nigeria. You need to see your mother, even if it will be for the last time.  Last two days, you went to Denis’ apartment and packed your remaining stuff into a Grebs eggs brown box while he sat on the bed staring, his face weak.

    “Please, rethink this decision.”

    You said nothing but kept packing frantically. The plastic sunflower vase had gone in first and there was still enough space for your abandoned journals, medium-sized transparent bottled pepper soup dry spice (the one you used whenever you were in high spirit for home meals), set of abandoned lingerie, ancient books that you never survived a paragraph on, the portraits of naked women that you bought at the art exhibition his younger brother hosted in Sydney last month, and your manual blender. 

    “You’re taking everything,” he sounded small, wounded and you imagined his lithe body slouched. He always slouched.

    The box could fit into the back seat of your car, comfortably. You thought as you lifted it into your arms. He stood and retrieved the box, offering to carry it. You let him. In his garage, he shut the car door after dropping the box and held your arm.

    “Zara. Say something. You can”t just leave me this way,” you know what he meant but what will you do with this persistent urge to burst things like you would the soft rashes that sprout on your keister after getting periods which you scratch and scratch until they turn sore and sticky, seeping blood.

    “Do you have to go?” he held your palms now. You have to go. You had spent twenty one days in this narrow apartment barring calls from work and relatives, listening to his gruff snores after sex, and hiding from the shadows that wouldn’t stop reoccurring. Yes, you have to go. You need to take out this blanket of darkness that silence has woven around your life. 

                            


    “Mmirimma—Good water” is your grandmother’s moniker.  It wasn’t a mere delusion that beauty runs in their bloodline. Beauty is a major characteristic of Ndulue’s lineage but hers is a revelation. When you see Mmirimma, you will understand why her beauty is a revelation. At almost seventy-one, she was a straight built woman with sharp face contours and body curves. But that’s not exactly where her beauty lies.

    The beauty you saw was in her phiz, albeit old age but her kind is the beauty that never entirely fades. The outline of her facial features down to her shoulders was a tactful representation of those you saw in the foreign magazines Uncle Jidenna used to send home among other numerous abroad things. “Edibles for Zara–to keep her mouth busy”, the tag on the large Ziploc reads, much to your excitement. Uncle Jidenna is your mother’s younger brother. Mmirimma is your mother’s mother. They were just two: Mmirimma’s children, beautiful and successful. Usonwa, your mother and a pediatrician at Amaku Teaching Hospital, Awka; Uncle Jidenna, her brother and a professor of physics in Australia. 

    Your mother had you in her teenage years, when, according to your grandmother, “men swarm around her like bees but she picked none”. She said picked with a sneer like men are items of clothing, you know, like the thrift wears the Eke market women heaped on a spread out wide raffia mats before and after sunsets on weekdays for the women who circulate them like termites would sugar, haggling prices, picking and dropping each until they finally made their choice and some eventually never make a choice. Like your mother. It was devastating for you. Your mother had strings of men to settle for and rejected all. Why? Who was your father? 

    Mmirimma ruled her daughter’s life. You knew from the way their bond had been all these years, clasping tightly, like two surfaces held with glue. After your mother birthed you, she left you with her mother and disappeared to London to study medicine. It was intentional. “A baby should not tie her down when I”m here,” your grandma told you years later albeit near naivety and impossibility of you understanding such words and the impact. You misunderstood her. You are important but not as her studies. Or her career.

    Your mother was as beautiful as Mmirimma. Light skinned and elegant. Uncle Jidenna called her “Mammy without water” on the days they made jokes about what should have been, who should have been this or that while they conversed on Facetime. His face–yellow and robust, your mother’s, slender, and cheerful.

    “Mmirimma is going to London for a medical check-up,” she told him one midnight after they had discussed the decline of the country’s economy due to mass emigration. They discussed loss of labor and unavailability of professionals, especially in the health sector. You were awake on your mother’s bed peeping into the laptop screen.

    “Aunty Chika will take care of her. She owes me that.” Your mother yawned before her brother uttered a comment.

    “I will send her some money,” he finally spoke.

    “Mba! Don’t do that. Why?”

    “Nobody owes you anything, Mammy. Aunty Chika has responsibilities to tend. You remember her eldest daughter tried to commit suicide last month? Chukwu aluka!—God performed miracles— If her teenage son hadn’t gotten back from his dance classes for early lunch, it would have been another story. I will send her some money. She cannot take care of my mother with empty hands.”

    “If you say so. She isn’t staying long anyways. Her appointment has been booked.” Your mother threw up her hands in resignation. Her hair extension pooled past her tank top down to her waist. You worried why she never had the discipline of sleeping in nightwear. You propped up on the pillow eavesdropping, then later gave in to sleep, knowing full well that they will go on and on, from one topic to another until 3am or farther.

    Mmirimma returned from London with a gait you didn’t quite recognize. Your mother had gone to receive her at Akanu Ibiam airport in Enugu in early March. That was two weeks after she received a call from Aunty Chika. It was midnight when she received that call. Uncle Jidenna did not call her that day. They had fallen out because Jidenna’s wife went to Paris with her friends for a short vacation. According to your mother, he shouldn’t have allowed such extravagance, such freedom. Your uncle was upset because his sister was telling him how to treat his wife.

    “You shouldn’t have married her,”your mother said after long moments of fat silence.

    “Mammy, should I have married you? Maybe it’s time you accepted that I cannot be here forever. I have a growing family and a woman I love. I cannot have enough yet deny my wife the happiness she deserves. I acknowledge the fact that you and Mmirimma don’t like her much but it’s definitely not your job to choose who I love, Mammy. Stop this madness.”

    Your mother fumed. “So, in essence, I depend so much on you…” her tone half asking, half shaky.

    “I’m not surprised you’re twisting everything to suit what you want to hear. You are good at it. And, yes, you have a point. Accept any of these men hovering around you and stop this jealousy.”

    Your mother was short of words. So, her brother continued.

    “I never delay Zara’s tuition. I never delay your allowances. I have paid for every property you demanded. What else do you want? Should I have married you? Zanu mu—answer me. Should I have married you?”

    When the call session ended, your mother slammed her laptop shut and stormed out into the night. You knew her destination was the Avocado tree just before her mother’s block. Uncle Jidenna had erected two blocks in the compound; the bigger one for his sister and the smaller one for his mother. But Mmirimma was mostly in her daughter’s block. When she came back inside the room, it was almost dawn. Her eyes, puffy and cheeks red. Two days after the silence, Aunty Chika called. Your mother thought it was her brother calling to apologize as usual but trepidation crept into her nerves when she saw the caller.

    “Aunty, don’t tell me that! Mba! Ekwuzikwana ya ozo!—No! Don’t say it again! Don’t tell me that!”

    You sat up on the bed, tired of feigning sleep. Your mother’s daily activities usually stretched to the wee hours of the morning, so it often intercepted your sleep. You grew up trying to take part in her daily activities, unconsciously at first, then consciously during pubescence because you admired your mother. You love how she sat legs-crossed,‘sitting pretty”–that was what your grandma called such posture–every evening, reviewing what you didn’t know on her laptop. You love her hair; dense and kinky. You love her slender fingers. You loved her pale skin when she undressed and wished you had such a delicate mold of buttocks, waist-line, clean fold of flesh between her legs. You love her accent when she chatted with her London friends. You knew you cannot speak such grammar. Why? Because you are finding it hard to understand anything in English studies, in all your school subjects generally, and you always never excelled in your exams. Your mother is intelligent. You are dull. Your mother is beautiful and graceful. You are homely and ungraceful. All these caused you insomnia.

    “You people have killed my mother!”she screamed again.

    Your heart churned. You put your feet down on the tiles. Its chilliness stung. But you walked on, steadily, until you stood behind your mother.

    “No! Don’t tell me that Aunty. Oh, God!  Oh, God!”she landed the phone on the bed, panting, her left palm on her forehead, the right hand on her hips.

    “They have killed my mother”, she told you after seconds of pacing up and down the wide room. “That crazy daughter of hers pushed my mother! How could she? She should have died that day! Odira should have waited until dusk to come back so she could kill herself! Bitch! She dared to push my mother.”

    Maybe Aunty Chika called Uncle Jidenna immediately your mother ended the call because he called minutes later. Your mother began crying. He pacified her, told her about the unsteady mental health of Onyinyechi, Aunty Chika’s eldest daughter, and reminded her that Aunty Chika was their father’s last cousin. Mmirimma only sustained head injuries and minor knee fracture. She should calm down. He would pay for Mmirimma’s return tickets immediately. Mmirimma would be fine. 

    Anugom“, your mother responded repeatedly, blowing her nose into the tissue she snatched from its box. “I have heard you.” 

    The day you fell down the staircase in school and passed out, your mother did not panic like this. They phoned her office line and she told them she couldn’t come right away. She would come after 4pm. She sent some money for hospital bills but they kept you in the school clinic until you resuscitated. When she came around 5pm, she scolded you about roughness so much that you wondered why she named you “Chizaram (God answered me)”. Did she really ask in the first place?  

    You checked yourself for any panic, the type that gripped your mother before her brother called but you couldn’t find any. Maybe…. Noo! Shame on you! 

    The Mmirimma that left for London was not the one that returned. This Mmirimma was different. She had purple eye bags. She hunched if she managed to stand. She was badly forgetful. She screams into space. She conversed with people she alone could see. She wees and defecates in her dress.

    Your mother was heartbroken. You had never seen her so heartbroken.

    “She shouldn’t have gone. I made a huge mistake, Zara. How could I be so clueless? Something more than a fall happened to my mother,” she lamented on the drive to the supermarket. Later, she stood at the Diapers section with a phone pressed to her left ear.

    “Jidenna, Nigerian diapers are not all that bad. There’s this one Nneka has been getting for her mother-in-law. I will try it.”

    You stood beside her, but your eyes never stopped darting across to the Pringles section. A little girl ran ahead of her mother to the onion-flavor row and grabbed two containers. Her mother stroked her face, bent to talk to her or, rather, negotiate with her before she dropped one. Her mother smiled.  

    “What do you mean you don’t remember Nneka? Nneka the prayer warrior!”

    Nneka is your mother’s godmother. Who doesn’t know Nneka? You wondered. Nneka that feeds on prayers like food. The first time your mother took you to her residence at Udoka Estate, her irrational obsession with prayers came as a shock to you. Your mother was away in Abuja for a one-week course while Mmirimma was in London.

    On the first morning, when the long awaited breakfast arrived by 10am, you wanted to jump into the food but Nneka reminded you that prayers had to be said first. Her line up of prayer intentions was just too much for food! You began crying. Later that evening, you overheard her on the phone asking your mom why she did not teach you the importance of prayers. You then understood why her children avoided home so much albeit all the luxury and comfort it provided.

    “Well…” She laughs shortly. “I will buy it for a start. Whenever we receive your package, I will switch.” 

    In the weeks that followed, activities changed at home. Activities had to change to accommodate Mmirimma’s new status. Your mother was always busy at the hospital so she suggested you forfeit living in the hostel. You had to school from home so you could take care of your grandmother while she was at work.  You had to cook with less or no salt at all so your grandma could be at lesser risk of heart attack.

    Your mother had taken her pillow, charger, and hair bonnet into Mmirimma’s block because she was spending most nights with her. She had to wake up as early as 4am every day to wash, clean and change her diapers while her mother muttered incoherent words. She cleaned out her room while you prepared breakfast. Anytime you cleaned her up, the stench clouded your chest and caused you lumps in the throat.

    During breakfast while you found it hard to swallow because the lump wouldn’t let you, your mother kept chattering about what to and what not to get for Mmirimma. Your tuition was delayed for a whole semester. Your mother remodeled Mmirimma’s bathroom. She changed a lot of her wears and restocked special food items for her. Mmirimma had to come first.  Slowly, your grandmother overshadowed the little existence you enjoyed, squeezing you out entirely from your mother”s schedules. Your mother stopped paying attention to your hair, your school books, your diet and choices. At 16, you are a grown-up, she said. You should take care of yourself. 

    One Friday morning, after a grudging late sleep, you stretched to full length before heading to your mother’s bathroom to collect the cleaning agents you needed for Mmirimma. Your mother had left early for Ukpo; someone had recommended a strong herbalist who could treat Mmirimma. She will regain her senses. Your mother was assured.  

    “Ugly child, you again?” her voice halted you at the entrance of the room. She let out a peal of laughter. Shivers spread out on your dry skin. The last time Mmirimma abused you verbally was when you broke her set of porcelain plates and hid them away on the crates packed behind the big blue water tank and forgot entirely about it until she discovered the mess.

    She told you how wicked you were from birth; how you almost cost your mother her life because she was hell-bent on bringing you into this world. She concluded with how different you looked (by different you know she meant ugly), it must have been the stupid man who sired you; of course, you don”t resemble her daughter in any way.  

    You ignored her sneer and headed to the bathroom where you turned on the water heater and fetched cold water from the tap below the shower. Then you came back for her. She let you lead her to the bathroom where you peeled off her wrap dress. The stench from her diaper hit your nose. A bigger lump formed in your throat. You swallowed hard. The bath lasted for five minutes after which you toweled her pale skin. Her body lotion went first before oil and vitamins. Allotted time was running out. You hastened to clean out her bed before you took her into your mother’s block. You had thought it was stressful for her but her daughter insisted. “She needs to move around, my mother is not an invalid”, she often emphasized.

    When you returned from school by noon, the air was humid with anxiety. You could feel it in your nerves, spreading to your fingertips. Your mother was not yet back so you checked on Mmirimma and found her in her chair with her head bent sideways. A pool of saliva garnered on the arm of the chair. It was long before she felt your presence.

    “Chizaram” her eyes had shrunken over the weeks and fallen back into its sockets. Her lips, thin and red. 

    “Mamma!” you answered and headed towards her.

    “Fix my bath.”

    You knew it would come next. She need not remind you. You flung your handbag and disappeared into the bathroom adjacent to her room. That afternoon, you let the water fill to the brim, past the brim and flowed down for long, then you went to get her. 

    Uncle Jidenna has sent different packages to your mother since Mmirimma’s fall but none contained any Edibles for Zara. None. Your mother doesn’t sleep in her room anymore because she keeps an eye on Mmirimma. Mmirimma has clouded your mother’s vision so sickly that you were beginning to find it really hard to breathe. These days you intentionally fling plates after washing so your mother calls out. Sometimes you end up breaking these plates but it wasn’t enough to distract her from Mmirimma.

    Back in her room, you ransack your box just to pick an item of clothing and leave others lying around. The only time she showed up was to take what she needed and head back to Mmirimma’s block. When your cramps came, she wasn’t there to squeeze out lime juice, mix it with little salt and hot water and cajole you to drink up.  She was in Mmirimma’s room shearing her hair. 

    You threw the lukewarm water on her bare back and she moaned. You wetted the grey sponge with little water and so much soap that the lather could be enough for two more baths. Then, you bent to her sitting position and began to scrub her skin, delicately at first and furiously with time. 

    The soap stung her eyes and she winced. You paused in scrubbing and watched. It was stupid to stand and do nothing but that was what you did. You didn’t know how long you stared before she leaped up and screamed your name. She beat around her arms wildly and you ducked. She launched forward and hit her arm against the shower stand and groaned in pains. You watched like a fisherman waiting on his hook bait to catch a fish like you used to watch the wall clock in your mother’s room, counting down on seconds, waiting for it to strike midnight. 

    Mmirimma caught your arm and cursed. She soon bent and her knees wobbled. 

    “Give me some water!”

    Water! Your mind raced. It was like the Rich Man pleading on Lazarus in the bible, “…even a drop,” the Rich Man begged Lazarus. Everything was in your hands and you felt like the messiah. You could have just muttered, “Mamma, I am sorry,” immediately or just go ahead to fetch some water to rinse her face so she could at least see. Instead, your mind went aloof. Hate possessed you.

    Maybe if Mmirimma dies, your mother will move back into her block with you and you will resume sleeping on her bed, watching her beautiful body while she undresses and nothing will ever change it again. Maybe if she dies, your mother could remember you existed. Maybe uncle Jidenna would realize that there was no other person but you to send goodies forever. Maybe there will be no one to ever remind you how odd you were. Maybe if Mmirimma dies, your mother will remember to tell you how you came about, who your father is. Maybe Mmirimma is old enough to die so she could rest.

    Her finger clenched your arms and her nails pierced your skin. Bile rose to your throat. Maybe if Mmirimma dies, you could be able to breathe in your mother’s house. Her arm quivered and disquietude crept up the depth of your tummy. You scooped water and poured on her low hair. She gasped and gently released her hold on you. You helped her sit back on the stool, then poured scoop upon scoop of water on her head, shoulder, and face until the soap lather dissolved into the flowing water and headed to the drain. It was not in your capacity to kill your grandmother, you thought. But you knew it was because your mother would blame you if Mmirimma died in her bath. She will not forgive you. You wore her fresh diapers and clean gown after you have toweled her body and led her out of the bathroom. 

    It was past 4pm when you heard a thud, whimpering and a shattering crash of something metallic. You were picking on the left-over of the vegetables and yam your mother prepared for Mmirimma in the morning before she left. The thoughts that the thud provoked in your head stilled you. When you got to her she laid face flat before the bathroom on the cold tiled floor. Blood seeped from somewhere on her face and formed a small pool beside her head; the curtain hanger had pulled from the wall and fallen on top of her lower body. The curtain covered her waist down to her slender calves. Her sprawled finger moved as she groaned deeply and then silence. 

    You dialed your mother and she picked at the third ring. Then you spoke lowly until she screamed “Ekwuzikwana!”—don”t say it again— into your ears and ended the call. It was Aunty Nneka who came and took you away, and throughout the drive to Udoka Estate, she prayed fervently clutching your left palm tightly.

    Then, prayed more after she asked if you were okay, if you needed anything, but your head was clouded and that saved you more questions like, “where were you when she fell?” and its kind. Something held your tongue to the roof of your mouth for days and you found Aunty Nneka’s prayers comforting and necessary. After Mmirimma’s body has been confirmed dead and deposited into the morgue and her room cleared out, your mother came for you. She emaciated within the days and her eye bags heavy with grief. Later that night when her brother called, she sat at the left end of the bed with Mmirimma’s photo album on her lap while flipping through it.

    “It is a domestic accident. She lost quite a lot of blood…” she mouthed, staring at a raised photo; the one Mmirimma took in a dancing regalia. Her ankles, neck and wrists were covered in fine Ola, her waist heavily rounded in Jigida and her body wrapped adoringly in a twinkle star Ankara. Her teeth shone as she smiled at the camera. She had taken the picture when she was still a member of a dance group in your hometown. Your mother told you sometime in the past. You almost forgot Mmirimma was once a dancer and you have seen her perform some breathtaking steps for her daughter in the past. It was all in the past now.

    Mmirimma raised her children single-handedly after the death of her husband in a fire incident at Onitsha in the early 90s. Their marriage was still young and Jidenna was a toddler. She grew famous in Onitsha market where she sold lace, maybe because her beauty could halt a downpour or because she was successful. After her son relocated to Australia, Mmirimma retired from her business. Her children could sustain her as long as life allowed. Mmirimma was everything her children wanted. They loved her. They cherished her. They placed her so high you envisaged her crash. 

    “It was a domestic accident”she sniffed noisily. “I should have removed all the tiles. I should have had everywhere covered with thick rugs. How could I be so stupid?” she raised the album to her face and sobbed into it. 

    “I shouldn’t have gone to Ukpo, Jide. I should have stayed home, but I needed to see the man. The man said we would bring her. She would have been fine.”

    You thought about how many times she had recounted these explanations to her brother and how long she stayed awake to cry at nights while you pretended to be asleep. She began to stay away from work and spent the long days in Mmirimma’s apartment, packing out her stuff, going through them thoroughly before tying them up in uneven bundles. She barely washed or ate. For relaxation, she watched Mmirimma’s photo album. The loss sat so deep in the air and you feared your mother may never love you as much as she loved Mmirimma. 

    During lectures in school, your mind drifts. You did not tell your mother that you sat on that verandah counting seconds into long minutes before you went in to see Mmirimma. You did not tell her that you stood and watched her groan in pain until she gave in to death. Then, you dialed her. You marveled at how much you hated Mmirimma. No. ‘Hate’ is such a strong word to use but what other word could qualify the disdain you felt for Mmirimma? Which even made you want to kill her? But no. You did not kill her. You reaffirmed yourself but there was a swivet;it was in your capacity to kill your grandmother. 

    Her burial date was fixed before you wrote your exams. The priest sprinkled holy water on her casket heavily and on everyone at the graveside like shower before she was lowered. The water prickled your skin and you remembered how her nails dug your arm and you shivered. 

    You left home afterwards and stayed at the hostel with a friend until school was over. At home, the insomnia you thought you could manage worsened. Every night when you try to sleep, you see Mmirimma. Mmirimma was everywhere–in the restroom, in your cup of tea, in your plate of soup, in the eyes of your mother, in your school books, in the face of everyone at the market, everywhere. 

    The next year, your mother broke the news of her marriage. A neurosurgeon in Enugu, average height, chocolate-brown complexioned and spoke through his nose. Your mother was going to Enugu. Your mother was leaving you. You wrote to your uncle and he directed you to apply for graduate studies. The day your mother drove you to the airport, she held you in a long embrace. Your braids squeezed under the crush of her arm. 

    “Remember, Australia is not your home,” she said before she released you. Where was home? You asked yourself many days later. Her big mansion in Enugu where the little one in her womb would soon occupy? Where do you even belong? Where was home?  

    You had thought the nightmares you suffered would not follow you to Australia. You were wrong. They boarded the plane with you and accompanied you to your uncle’s house. Mmirimma was also in her son’s face. She was everywhere–in everything you touched, saw or ate. She was dwelling in your head. Sometimes, you stared at the little scar on your arm where her nails had torn your skin and it reminded you of her curses, especially on the day you sustained that scar. 

    How could you have known so little? Mmirimma had seen the look in your eyes. She nurtured you until you turned six. She taught you how to wash your hands and wash your “flower” (that was what Mmirimma called the vagina). Mmirimma was aware her grandchild wanted her dead.

    But why was it so? How could you sell your soul to the devil? She would never forgive you. She haunted you until you could not concentrate on anything. She haunted you until you quit your studies. She haunted you until your uncle began suggesting you see a therapist. She haunted you until you left the only man who has truly loved you. She haunted you until you decided to go home and tell your mother how you watched Mmirimma groan in pain and die before you dialed her. Maybe you will have a home after all, if your mother would forgive you. 


    Chizitere Madeleine Nwaemesi is a Nigerian writer whose works have been published by Isele Magazine, African Writer Magazine, The Shallow Tales Review, Efiko and elsewhere. You can find her on_https://substack.com/@cmnwaemesi

  • In the House of Small Silences – Rigwell Addison Asiedu

    He told you to consider him as a brother since you were going to live with him for the next 12 months. Abrantie had noticed your discomfort when you alighted from the tro-tro at St. Theresa’s School and that was the first thing he said.

    “You’re welcome, Nyamekye. Please, take me as your brother and feel free wai.”

    You smiled and thanked him as he offered to take one of your travelling bags, and your legs followed his lead like a sheep being led to slaughter. North Kaneshie was new territory for you and, as you looked around that day, you had no idea that your life was about to change. 

    You crossed Palace Street and headed towards Lampado Street with your new roommate. As you both walked, you wondered what his impressions about you were; you were desperate for his approval like a farmer waiting for rain after the dry season. That was the only way this could work. The National Service Secretariat had posted you to Ghana Prints, a publishing house at North Industrial Area. Although your parents had tried working it out for you to be reposted close to home in Dodowa, their efforts had proved futile.

    What was the will of man worth in the face of fate custodians like us? We wanted you here and so our spinnerets wove the kente that draped you in this reality. Finally, your parents had to make calls to get an accommodation close to your workplace. A family friend contacted Abrantie, a deacon of your church’s branch in North Kaneshie, and arrangements were made. Now, you were here, exactly where generations of pain and joy had led you to, where you should be for what came next.

    As you drew closer to your new home, you saw a woman walking her daughter from a store to a brand new Jeep. Their hands moved in the air and you recognised the sign language, even though you didn’t understand it. The orange rays of the sunset cast a sepia hue on the neighbourhood and as you looked around, you knew you would always remember this day. Your mind was taking in so much at once: the string of stores that sold everything from electrical wares to fried yam, the church with the stained glass windows and the numerous hotels. There was a pull in this environment that you couldn’t comprehend just yet. Even right then, you could feel tongues of fire on your head but you hadn’t grown to understand the language of providence. 

    The comprehension would come weeks later, but for now, your eyes were focused on Abrantie. He was wearing a white singlet that dulled to a muted brown and you tried as much not to marvel at the dark skin that glistened with sweat, the toned muscles that were taut under the weight of your bag. You squeezed your eyes shut to block out the sexual thoughts creeping through your web of denial. Even at 22, you still imagined your parents had access to the crevices of your mind and that they could sense you were one of those people. There were many things you didn’t want Abrantie to find out about you. Even right then, you were already making a plan to hide your medications from him. You had learnt your lesson on campus.

    If you were expecting a posh bungalow, you would have been surprised when Abrantie led you to a compound on Lampado Street with roughly arranged one-room apartments. However, you had kept your mind open and so were not surprised when you both entered one of these rooms at the far end of the compound. A few people sat outside and exchanged greetings with you.

    “Is he the one you mentioned this morning?” a woman you would later know as Aunty Gifty, asked Abrantie in Twi, taking a cursory look at you. Her cornrows were tied up in a tight bun that made her forehead jut out like a louvre slat.

    “Yes, please.”

    “Akwaaba,” she welcomed you.

    The surprise came when you met someone inside the room you entered. The man sat on the bed reading a copy of Ola Rotimi’s The Gods Are Not to Blame. There was something about his relaxed presence that made it register that he also lived here. No one had mentioned another person. Even the family friend had said Abrantie lived alone.

    “That’s my brother, Odeneho,” Abrantie said with a dismissive tone, “And this is my humble abode. You are welcome.”

    “Oh, I didn’t know you had a brother or lived with someone.”

    “Yeah, we didn’t mention him. He doesn’t matter. Just ignore him.”

    You were taken aback by the vileness; how could one speak of his brother in such a dismissive manner? Your three younger siblings at home, the triplets—the holy trinity as you called them—meant everything to you. You could never speak ill of them. Soon, you settled in the room after drinking water. The room was small and stuffy, as though it had held its breath for a long time and didn’t know how to exhale anymore. The wooden walls echoed when you tapped them with your knuckles and you heard someone tap them back; there was someone in the other room. Apart from the enthusiastic wave Odeneho gave you, he said nothing. Only his eyes tore into your flesh with a mysterious glint.

    “Well, we are all young men here so I guess we can all get along,” Abrantie said, peeling off his singlet with a sharp throw of his hands. You dropped your gaze and your mind fed on the shirtless image you had just been offered. The way those muscles rippled on that ripped body like the surface of a lake penetrated by a paddle. That body…his body. You wondered where you could be alone and stroke yourself with that image imprinted on your mind.

    “Please, Bro Abrantie, is there a washroom outside?”

    Abrantie snickered and offered to show you around. The compound had a public toilet with five pit latrines. Each visit cost 2 cedis.

    “First, it was 1 cedi but Nana Addo and this economy happened,” Abrantie quipped.

    The toilet was mainly for releasing one’s bowels. The men peed in the gutter at the other end of the street. You swallowed and wondered how you could live here successfully with the public display of private parts on the street where people went about their business. Shame seeped into your bloodstream and threatened to make your bladder full. The bathhouse at the other end of the compound was walled with roofing sheets and a wooden door that creaks when you pushed it in. It was unroofed and there were many mornings when you would watch the stars disappear from the brightening morning sky and fingerlings of the sunrise’s fire steal across the big blue expanse as you bathed. Fetching water from the compound’s tap cost 80 pesewas per bucket but the second tank with the cleaner water cost 1 cedi. Everyone preferred the 80 pesewas tap. The water wasn’t any much different, Abrantie explained. However, you would quickly realise that there was a clear distinction: the water from the cheaper tap was sometimes brown and you had to wait for particles to settle underneath before using it. 

    You finally had the chance to properly meet Odeneho when Abrantie left for his night shift at the pharmacy in North Industrial Area. 

    “Hello, they call me Nyamekye. You are Odeneho, right?”

    Odeneho made some sounds that confused you and then reached for a small board and marker. Your eyes narrowed in confusion as the young man scribbled words and it finally clicked when you saw the board.

    Can’t hear you. Welcome.

    “Oh—“ The sound escaped your mouth before you could stop yourself. An onion of emotions made your eyes water. First, there was a layer of shame that it hadn’t occurred to you earlier. But underneath the layers of shame and a sense of uncertainty was a swelling anger. You now understood Abrantie’s statements about his brother. All the desire you had for the elder brother withered away. You sat on the second student bed that had been placed on the floor just beside Odeneho upon your arrival. You took the new roommate’s board and wrote on it.

    I am Nyamekye. You are Odeneho, right?

    Odeneho nodded with tears glistening in his eyes and tapped your shoulder. He made some signs with his hands that you didn’t understand.

    “Oh, I don’t understand sign language,” you mouthed with a sense of failure. You understood various languages: Twi, Ga, French, English, Spanish, and Ewe. And you never bothered to take your ASL classes seriously. 

    “We are never going to need that,” you had agreed with your course mates. You were all people who didn’t need a language that transcended sounds and that privilege made you complacent. That night, we bound sleep from enticing you into depths of the unknown. After turning and tossing about the bed, you gave up and watched Odeneho sleep. The young man was well-built with a thicket of hair all over his body. Your fingers pulsated with the urge to stroke the glistening hair that shook under the breeze of the standing fan that hovered over your beds. Your new roommate intrigued you. There were so many questions you wanted to ask but the words you were familiar with were useless here. You thought about your differently abled ancestral matriarch, that strong woman whom your mother had told you countless stories about. 

    During the Trans-Atlantic slave trade, the richest chief of their village kept selling the men and women of families who owed him debts to European powers. It was a never-ending horror, families torn apart, bound in castles and later on ships to new worlds. To prevent the chief from taking people from her family any longer, Adwoa Serwaa visited him one night and made her plea. She was hard of hearing and unable to speak, so she made her body do the negotiation. She stripped off her lappa and straddled the chief. The man sat in his chair, shocked into silence by the brazenness of a woman deemed useless by everyone. 

    He whimpered when she took him in and grinded her hips against his. Her eyes spoke volumes as she moaned. The strangeness of it all excited the chief; she made him whimper, moan, and groan. By the time his water rose to the tip, he had made two decisions: he would leave her family alone and forgive the debts they owed him. But Adwoa Serwaa is his now. And that was how the story went: in a twist of fate, the deaf-mute girl whom no one regarded was the one who saved her family. She would go on to raise sons and daughters for the sadistic monster; your bloodline was part oppressor, part liberator. 

    You reached for your phone and tapped on the lengthiest YouTube video on American Sign Language. Your fingers awkwardly moved around as you tried mimicking the teachers. 

    The next seven weeks were a blur between getting acclimated to North Kaneshie and Ghana Prints where you worked as an Assistant Editor. During your breaks, you stood before the washroom mirror and practised the signs you had learnt. Your fiery obsession with mastering ASL had pushed you to stay up many nights when Abrantie and Odeneho were both asleep, or other nights when Abrantie was on his night shift.

    On one of such nights when you were alone with Odeneho, you heard a snicker that made you pause your YouTube video. You switched on the light and saw your roommate looking at you. Odeneho’s hands danced in the air.

    I have been watching you all this while. You are a fast learner.

    You shifted your weight from one foot to another. It was hard to understand why you felt so embarrassed, as though you had been caught masturbating to gay porn. What were you worried about, that the guy could tell that underneath the obsession with mastering ASL was a growing, burning desire that was considered unnatural by mere mortals? What do ephemeral creatures know about nature?

    You moved your hands in awkward choreography, trying to use what you had learnt.

    I’m sorry if this makes you uncomfortable. I wanted to learn it so that I could communicate with you. I want to know you beyond words.

    Odeneho smacked his lips and tapped the space beside him for you to come sit. 

    I am not uncomfortable. I am rather pleased. Abrantie never bothered to learn sign language. That one, he is full of himself. Don’t you see how he walks?

    You laughed with the awkwardness of a teenager alone with his crush. Odeneho stood up to mimic how Abrantie walked, stomping his feet on the ground in an exaggerated way and you threw your head back in laughter. It erupted like the crash of ceramics on tiles. A knock echoed on the wooden wall that separated you from Aunty Gifty in the next room.

    “Please keep your voices down, young men,” she said. 

    Odeneho somersaulted on the bed and tumbled over you; he had to cover your mouth because you were laughing hysterically. In spite of your mirth, you were keenly aware of your warm breaths on his palm. You wanted this moment to last forever, Odeneho crouched over you, collapsed in a shoulder-shaking orgasm of laughter. You laughed yourselves to sleep, still in a tight embrace. It was only when Abrantie came knocking at dawn that you peeled away from each other. In the silence that followed, you were keenly aware that the merriment last night had been a consummation of some sort, albeit sexless. It was still an acknowledgement of the desire you had for each other.

    When Abrantie took his towel and a bucket of water to the bathhouse, Odeneho snapped his fingers at you. 

    I have seen you taking meds at night when you think we are asleep. What are they for?

    You grimaced. The last time you opened up to your roommates on campus, they had gone to the hostel manager and requested that you be moved to another room. Alas, you had to rent a hostel off campus where you lived alone. You became a pariah in your class, department, and faculty. Everywhere on campus, people whispered about your condition and became wary of you. It drove you to attempt suicide one Christmas when your wrists became festive gifts waiting to be unwrapped. You looked at Odeneho; you couldn’t afford to lose a new-found friend.

    Oh, it’s just for migraines. I have these headaches from time to time.

    You take them every day. Morning and evening. I don’t think it’s just migraines.

    He moved closer to you and took your hands. You both trembled with the weight of your desires. Your tumescence drew stiff lines under your briefs. A moan escaped the prison of your mouth when Odeneho lifted his fingers to give your left nipple a squeeze.

    You can talk to me.

    You wanted nothing more than to be open to Odeneho in many ways. You wanted to tell him the truth; your lips quivered with the desire to merge with this warm man who had captured your heart. You lifted your hands to sign when you heard footsteps. By the time Abrantie opened the door, you had jumped away from each other.

    “Aunty Gifty said last night she heard both of you making noise past midnight,” the elder brother said with a frown. He dropped the empty bucket beside the gas cylinder at the other end of the room and parted the curtain that divided the space into two compartments. His tall frame hovered over the both of you who were seated on the bed. He was naked save for the towel wound around his waist. 

    “Oh, that was just me. I was watching some skits online and I didn’t know when I started laughing and disturbing everyone.”

    Abrantie snickered. 

    “Masa, now you’ve started lying for him. He’s a bad influence, this stupid boy.”

    “Bro Abrantie, he didn’t do anything—“

    “Why are you defending this idiot? Has he converted you to gayism?”

    “What?” You swallowed and felt the air leave the room. Gayism. You were aware of many things at the same time: Odeneho scribbling STOP, BROTHER! on his board, Aunty Gifty playing Amakye Dede’s Dabi Dabi with her speakers, some neighbours having a funny conversation in Ga, the standing fan whirring with a frightening speed to keep the heat at bay, the aroma of waakye and shito wafting from the next house, the taste of bile in your throat. Has he converted you to gayism? 

    “What are you talking about? I barely know him.”

    “I told you to ignore this idiot for a good reason. This one, God knew he was a disgusting creation. That’s why he was born deaf and dumb. And this ingrate, after everything my parents did to make him comfortable, sending him to a school for kids with special needs, he still had the nerve to bring disgrace to the family,” Abrantie said, slapping his younger brother. 

    “Stop hitting him,” you said, pushing him off Odeneho. The towel came undone and fell to Abrantie’s feet. The elder brother was possessed with a strange rage that didn’t pay heed to his nakedness that was now an exhibition to the other two. You noticed broken sores on his thighs that looked like peeling paint.

    “Go on. Tell your new gay partner about the one they caught you with when you were 15. You haven’t told him about Efo, the one you allowed to tear your buttocks open,” Abrantie said, hitting his right palm against his clenched left fist to suggest penetrative sex. “He was caught with a boy just like him doing trumu-trumu. What even concerns a deaf and dumb with sex? With all your suffering in life, why should sex even occur to you? The news spread like wildfire in the school and they expelled him. After all the money my parents spent on this disgusting monster. They went to his school to pick him up but the demons in him caused an accident on the way back. My mother died on the spot and my dad is now in a wheelchair, in the care of a nanny at Dodowa. He did that to us! Bled us dry of our finances and dragged our name into the mud! Before he was born, we had everything. Now look at our predicament,” Abrantie said, throwing his hands around the room. “And even with this, you still want to seduce an innocent guy that has come to live with us? Kwasia!”

    “Stop this, Abrantie. He’s your brother!”

    “He’s a monster! All he does is sit in here with his stupid remote jobs and those perverted videos he masturbates to when I’m not around. You think I don’t know the smell of your semen. Ha! I know your intentions with this young man and I won’t sit here and let you turn this room to Sodom and Gomorrah. I pray here for God’s sake! Maybe if you rid your heart of those unnatural desires, God can have mercy on you and make you whole,” Abrantie spat.

    Odeneho was crying at this point. His shoulders bounced like a tro-tro jerking on potholed roads. Abrantie cursed under his breath, dressed quickly and went out with the door banging shut behind him. You placed Odeneho’s head on your lap and stroked his hair. Thoughts circled in your mind like a murder of crows and something gnawed at the back of your throat. Abrantie had mentioned that their father was in Dodowa, the same place where your parents were at the moment. You also knew that your mother worked for a man whose spinal cord got damaged in an accident. One day your mother had become drunk and hinted at the fact that she shared history with the man she worked for. It was one of the reasons why she had chosen to be his nanny even though she was a retired nurse. 

    You rushed to your phone and dialled her number.

    “Mama, who was the family friend who directed me to come live here?” you asked after exchanging pleasantries. 

    “Oh, that’s the man I take care of.”

    “Oh‒”

     “Yes.” Her laughter tickled your ear like feathers brushing against skin. 

    “Those are his kids. Are they treating you well?”

    “Yes, they are.”

    “I’m coming to Kaneshie market today to buy some things. I wanted to do that last week but I felt this strange fatigue that held me down. I am perfect now. I will pass by to see where you live.”

    Mama’s presence filled the room when she entered. She was taller than the small door so she had to bend to enter the room. You sucked air through your teeth as you watched her taking stock of the room. For a strange reason, you wanted to defend the room and the standard of living here. It was home now.

    “Obi nnim ɔbrempɔn ahyɛase,” she said with a shrug. “Nobody knows the beginning of a great man. You young men have started life. Little by little.” She sat on the plastic chair in the room and traded short stories with Abrantie who had since returned from his angry exit. You watched your mother move towards Odeneho who huddled up close to the wall in a corner of the room. You were shocked to see your mother’s fingers move in the air.

    You must be Odeneho…

    “You understand sign language,” you blurted. You were even more shocked to see the warmth your mother exuded towards Odeneho given that she knew the story.

    “Of course, I do,” she said and smiled. Abrantie shifted uncomfortably as he watched his younger brother warm up to Mama and they spoke the language he never bothered to learn. Your eyes didn’t leave the elder brother and silently accused him of what happened earlier in the day.

    Mama hugged the brothers before leaving and you followed her outside with her bag in your hand. 

    “I never told you this. Hmmmm… but I was supposed to marry their father,” Mama began abruptly. “My mother was against our relationship because his mother was an Ewe and you know how many Ashantis are with Ewes. We planned to elope together. We were planning to go to the US. We almost succeeded, you know. My application for a visa was rejected and we agreed that he would go first and later I would join him. I didn’t hear from him for some time and I kept getting rejections. I finally succumbed to my mum’s wishes and married the man from our hometown. On my wedding day, I saw Odeneho’s father in the audience. He had been deported after his visa expired.”

    “Oh,” you said and kicked a stone. You wondered what life would have been like, having Odeneho as a brother. 

    “Yes, life is funny like that. Bringing people together, tearing them apart and bringing them together again. Fate works in mysterious ways. After the accident, I opted to oversee his welfare. I wanted to spend time with him… Everyone said Kojo was now a borga and there was no way he still remembered me in aburokyire. But he came to my wedding and watched me say those vows to a man I didn’t love…a man who didn’t love me.”

    “A man who didn’t love you? You mean Daddy…”

    “He is like you in many ways,” Mama said with a sad smile. You gasped and the veins in your neck became taut wires. You were beside Palace Street now. Mama dropped the bag she was holding and touched your face.

    “There is no need to be afraid. I have always known. You came out of me. Of course, I knew you didn’t like your ex-girlfriend. Why do you think I was happy when you broke up with her?”

    “I thought you didn’t like her.”

    “No, my handsome son,” she said, stroking your face. “I didn’t want her to live my life. Be with someone who is not—can’t be—attracted to her. I wanted her to be with someone who loved her. I want you to be with someone you love. Your dad and I, we have our arrangement. But your life doesn’t have to be that way; it is not an ideal arrangement. I saw the way you looked at Odeneho—”

    “We’re just roommates.” You scoffed and looked away. 

    “I’m your mother, Nyamekye. You opened my womb when everyone wrote me off as barren and after you came the blessing of triplets. Of course, I know you. You’re God’s gift to me and I want to know you every day of my life.”

    Emotions curled and twisted at your throat. Your mother caught you in an embrace as you cried.

    “Thank you, Mama. Thank you.”

    “I love you, son. Never forget that.”

    After she left, you walked to a pharmacy to buy your medications. You had a spring in your steps that was new. You wanted to scream to the entire world that you loved men, and your mother loved you. You bought Olanzapine, Fluoxetine and Tegretol with the money your mother had given you. As you turned to leave, you bumped into a child. If you hadn’t been quick to catch her, she would have fallen.

    “Oh please, I’m so sorry,” you said, crouching to the girl’s height and ensuring she was fine. The mother rushed in your direction and you apologised again. You watched with interest as the woman signed with her daughter. The woman had a bundle of locks whipped into a big bun and her nose ring glinted inside the pharmacy. The girl looked up and smiled at you.

    I am sorry. Are you okay?

    The mother looked up with a faint expression of surprise. It occurred to you that you had seen them on the first day you came to North Kaneshie.

    “Oh, you understand ASL?” You caught the woman’s American accent.

    “Yes please, I do. And I’m sorry once again.”

    “Oh, it’s fine. I am Dolores. You can call me Dee,” she said, extending her hand for a handshake.

    “I am Nyamekye.”

    “Nice name. That means God’s gift, right?” 

    “Yes, it does.” You looked at the girl.

    What’s your name? I am Nyamekye.

    Adwoa Serwaa.

    “Oh, Adwoa Serwaa. That’s a beautiful name.”

    “Yes, she was named after this woman in the stories that were handed down to us. She was the twin sister of our ancestor. According to family folklore, he was captured by a wicked chief because his family was indebted to the man. He was enslaved and taken across the ocean to work on a cotton plantation, but he never stopped worrying about his twin sister back home. He had been the one taking care of her; she was hard of hearing. He sang day and night about his family, especially Adwoa Serwaa. The songs have passed down through generations and I thought it was a fitting name for my daughter. This is actually my Year of Return visit. I’m hoping to locate family and stuff. I’m sorry I’m boring you with this unnecessary information. Americans, we can’t stop ourselves,” she said with a light laugh. You watched her brown skin shimmer with a thin layer of sweat, and a grand swelling of providence filled your belly.

    “Oh, it is fine. Actually, I think I know who you are talking about—the Adwoa Serwaa you are talking about.”

    “You do?”

    “Yes, I do. She saved the rest of the family, you know. She married the chief and saved the rest of them. The rest of us.”

    Dolores’ eyes moistened with tears.

    “Wait, are you for real? You mean you are…a descendant of Adwoa Serwaa?”

    “My sister is Adwoa Serwaa, too.” 

    Dolores laughed and swirled around the room.

    “Is this really happening?”

    You laughed. “I don’t know. I’m not usually the best at telling what’s real and what’s not, but I think this is happening.”

    Dolores jumped into an embrace and you held her steady to prevent her from falling. 

    “Akwaaba,” you whispered.

    “There is so much I want to ask you and confirm but I have to leave right now. My sister has a running stomach; she ate roadside kenkey and I have to get these meds for her. But this is my card. You live around, right? We have to meet and talk. In fact, let me get your number,” Dolores rambled with excitement.

    You ran home with the speed of a leopard after she left. You burst into the room and quickly registered that Abrantie had left for work that evening. 

    You have no idea what just happened this evening. In fact, so many things, Odeneho. Where do I begin?

    Odeneho sighed.

    Nyamekye, you were going to tell me something in the morning before Abrantie came in. Maybe start from there.

    You swallowed.

    Oh, that. I don’t want it to change things between us.

    It won’t. Are you dying?

    No! No, I’m not dying. I…have schizophrenia. It’s under control. I have psychiatrists that I meet for monthly reviews but it’s not something I tell people. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable around me because you see me as mad.

    Odeneho walked towards the door and you heaved. Another person was leaving after finding out. You heard the key turn and you whipped around. He was locking the door.

    I don’t see you as mad.

    He hugged you and you remained that way for a long time, two bodies twisted into one, brought together by forces invisible to your eyes and bound by the desire in your hearts. In another universe, you could have been brothers. In this one, you were lovers. Either way, you are linked together in the web of this lifetime.


    Rigwell Addison Asiedu is a Ghanaian writer. In 2019, he won the Dei Awuku Writers Contest, and was longlisted for the African Writers Awards (poetry category) in 2022. Rigwell’s work has appeared or is forthcoming in Lolwe, Isele Magazine, African Writer Magazine, Kalahari Review, Akowdee Magazine, Musings Anthology, and KepressNG Anthology. He is an alumnus of the 2024 CANEX Creative Writing Workshop. He is obsessed with water, black cats, and crows. You can reach him via his social media handles: X @asiedu_rigwell, Instagram: rigwellasiedu, and Facebook: Rigwell Addison Asiedu

  • To the Kids – Emmanuel Omonusi

    To the kids who don’t have pools
    At the back of their house
    To the kids who fate rouse 
    Their hope in steady bloody spools 
    To the kids who kneel in torn blouse
    And call on God to see them and choose
    To the kids whose flowers quit bloom
    In spring, and fall during the rain.
    To the kids who trust a faith 
    And stare at a worse smirk from fate
    I am still a kid and all that I ever did 
    Was to satisfy the hearts that so earnestly thrust
    Commands from old at my battered chest
    And the day I refuse shall refuse remain of me
    Bones crunched under the teeth of toil
    And no worth attached to the chronicles of me. 
    Hence, to the kids who pound forward
    The days of hide and seek are at end
    To heaven do you ascend
    After staring at your future 
    Through the glass sheet of hope.


    Emmanuel Omonusi is a final year student of English and Literature at the University of Benin.

  • I.T. People – Doug M. Dawson

    We enjoy our birthdays until they make us feel old, remind us of our mortality or portend something unpleasant. Jack Adams had his one month earlier. He had mixed feelings the day he turned 47. When he got home from work he had put on his ‘happy face’–what else can you do when your wife has made you a special dinner, bought you a beautiful, down-filled ski jacket that must have consumed half a week of her after-tax salary and the kids have strung up the house with banners saying “Happy Birthday Daddy” and all–squealing with delight at the very sight of you–come running to the door?

    Jack wasn’t sure what his problem was. It wasn’t being tied down to a home and family, guilt over some extramarital affair or something bad he’d discovered about his own health or that of his loved ones. It wasn’t the mortgage, the car payments or having to buy new clothes every few months for his ever-growing brood. He thought it might have something to do with getting older and wondered if he could be getting ready to have a mid-life crisis.

    After all, he’d always wanted to live in a McMansion and drive a sports car like the 1994 Toyota Supra Twin-Turbo he once saw in a showroom. Yet, there he was: rotting away in an ordinary, three-bedroom split-level and puttering around in a Toyota Camry.

    After rethinking his finances, he believed that with one more salary increase he would be able to afford the bigger house or the new car, but not both. Not simultaneously. Pending mid-life crisis aside, what made his stomach grind at work and forced him to hide his discontentment at home was his job; some days he just didn’t enjoy it anymore and other days he simply hated it more. Lately, the latter have outnumbered the former.

    Jack spent the day after his birthday putting out fires– taking calls from irate customers, walking them through solutions where possible, writing a report for each “trouble call” and digging into code to debug software problems. At the end of the day, he looked around at the clutter on his desk, then took out his cell phone and made a call.

    A friend answered. “Hello?”

    “Hey, buddy. It’s Jack. Want to hit the usual place after work?”

    “Sounds like a plan. Come by in fifteen minutes?”

    Jack cleaned up his desk, logged off his computer and as he walked away from his desk, he made another call. This time his wife answered.

    “Hello?”

    “It’s me. I’ve got to do some more stuff at the office; I’ll be late.”

    “Ok, but not too late. Okay? Jennie wants you–not me–to help her with her homework and I want her to do it early. Later on, she’ll be too tired to do it.” 

    “Okay, honey. Bye.”

    He walked down a long corridor and into an office that was about four times the size of his. In it worked the mathematically-oriented “Brainiac” programmers of his company. Jack walked to his friend’s desk and stood behind him looking at the complex C Language code on the screen.

    “I can feel someone creeping up on me,” said Al.

    “Good thing it wasn’t a strangler, or you’d be dead by now.”

    “Hey, I never said I was quick, just perceptive.”

    “You still flatter yourself.”

    Jack watched as Al consulted with a technical book full of equations. He recognized the integral signs from his calculus classes, but the sheer volume of mathematical symbols on the page was intimidating. “I don’t know how you do that stuff,” he said.

    “All in a day’s work,” answered his friend. “I see it as a beautiful confluence of mathematical symbols, producing a shimmering pool of abstract thought.” There was a pause. “Did I say that? Gimme ten more minutes, okay?”

    Jack stood silently as his friend studied the bewildering page for a minute then went back to work on his computer code. In less than ten minutes he was logging off his computer and locking his desk.

    “Ready Freddie?”

    “Girls say that to their boyfriends,” said Jack.

    Al looked embarrassed. “Whoops! Glad I didn’t make that slip at a bar – they’d think I was…”

    “Yeah, they might think that. Let’s went.”

    “Let’s went? That’s from an old TV show.”

    “Yeah, the Long Ranger.”

    Al looked embarrassed for Jack. “That’s Lone Ranger, not Long Ranger and ‘Let’s went’ is from The Cisco Kid.”

    “You and your old TV shows.”

    Me? It’s you and your old TV shows.”

    “Whatever.”

    Fifteen minutes later both men took their places at a local bar and ordered beer. 

    “How do you drink that Schlitz stuff,” asked Al. “That’s for old men.”

    Jack said “That’s how I feel: old.”

    A black SUV pulled up on the side of the bar. A woman got out and walked to the front door and opened it a crack, doing her best not to be seen. As soon as she got the phone call from her husband saying he’d be late she made a bee line to where he worked, just a few miles away.

    Tailing him was easy, for she knew all his favorite haunts and had even joined him in several of them over the years. Peering in with one eye she spotted her husband sharing a beer with his friend. After watching for a few minutes, she drove back home, where a neighbor was watching the kids. This wasn’t the first such spying mission. Her husband has been “working late” one or two nights a week for several months.

    At first, she suspected it was “another woman”, but several trips to this and other pubs proved he was only drinking with his pals. She didn’t approve of her husband idling away his time in bars and didn’t think much of his lying about it either, but, considering what he might have been up to, the offense seemed minor and forgivable. She decided then and there, this was to be her last such expedition and knew she’d have to talk things over with Jack face-to-face. When she got home, she helped two of the kids with their homework then made a late supper for the whole family, hoping Jack would be home in time to eat it.

    Back at the bar with a few beers in him, Jack was starting to feel like his old self until the subject of his job came up.

    “Hey – a job’s a job,” said Al, followed by “If you don’t like it, go out and find another one!” 

    “Typical programmer,” thought Jack, who was used to dealing with young nerds who seemed to have the world by the balls. To his boss he’d described them as “no responsibilities, big salaries and incompetent at expressing feelings or dealing with anything but computer code and technical manuals.” He stopped and thought before responding to Al’s last remark, not wanting to blurt out an angry retort, but rather a reasoned answer, even though he was starting to fume.

    Al felt no such compunction to wait and think before speaking: “Hey, buddy – earth to Jack! You still there? You drift off into space or something?”

    “Excuse me, Al. I didn’t realize I was sitting next to a scholar of career choices and genius of compassion and empathy.”

    Al sat up, obviously affronted.

    “It’s not just this job, it’s this whole career. Used to think I had everything I wanted, good job, money, a loving wife, and good kids. What more could I expect? Swimming pools, Ferraris, a palatial estate? Then, I thought I must be suffering from some sort of condition from racking my brains all day and sitting there typing away at a terminal. I wondered how many others out there were just like me: fat, dumb, happy and discontented. Made me think about the computer biz and how it got this way.

    Once upon a time only engineers and math types studied computers. I’ve watched programming go from “assembly” language stuff you write yourself to pre-written off-the-shelf packages – just plug-and-play. At the I.R.S. way back when we typed our assembly-language code onto IBM punch cards, handed ‘em in and had to wait for the computer operator to run ‘em through the card reader, run the program through the computer and we were lucky to get our listing the next day. Computer operator! We couldn’t do anything without him. I bet you never even heard that term.”

    “So, you remember the good old days, eh?” asked Al, laughing “And today any kid can use a PC. Maybe you’ve lived too long, buddy.”

    “Sounds like you’re getting ready to send me off to meet my maker, there, buddy-buddy. Maybe I’ve just been in this business too long.”

    Yeah, maybe that’s it, chum – friend – pal-o’mine. Didn’t mean to come down on you about your career. Why don’t we call it a night?”

    The two men shook hands, paid their bar bill and left. 

    Back at work the next day, Jack felt he needed to unload his feelings about his career to the least likely person – his boss Jim Bakersfield, someone he knew well and trusted. Jim’s response came as a surprise.

    “About ten years ago I felt the same way you do. I’d been programming since the ’70s’, loved it and thought I was hot stuff, but I finally got sick of the whole thing: always digging through code, taking classes, carrying manuals home at night, carrying a beeper twenty-four seven. I used to feel like Microsoft employees – you know them, their motto is ‘If I’m awake, I’m working.’ Know what saved me?”

    Jack just looked at him.

    “Being promoted! Guess I’d done well or maybe I was the only guy around old enough to look the part of the manager. Suddenly I didn’t have to write code, debug the same, take trouble calls in the middle of the night from irate customers telling me our software doesn’t work. Not that management’s easy, mind you, just different. Lots of meetings, trips, talks with customers, sales reps and management, but I deal more with people, which I like. Hope that helps.”

    Jack thought for a minute before answering. “I think I need to make a more fundamental change.”

    Jim looked at him sympathetically, gave him a mock punch on the shoulder then turned toward his desk, looked up a number in the company phone directory and handed it to Jack. “Here’s a number you should call,” he said.

    “Who is it?”

    “A psychologist.”

    “Now, wait a minute, I’m not going to go postal on you.”

    Jim laughed. “Tut tut. Nobody thinks you’re going off the deep end, but something’s really bothering you and I’m not qualified to help, so I’ll put you in touch with somebody who is. This guy’s paid by the company to listen to people’s problems and concerns and help them deal with them. Try him. I’ll give you an hour or two off every week off to see him. You won’t have to make up the time.”

    “Are you sure?”

    “You’ve been a good employee; you deserve it. Hey! I’ve seen him myself.”

    “You?”

    “Yeah, some personal stuff a while back. He had some good ideas–really helped me.”

    Jack thought about it for a week then made the phone call. The psychologist told him he had a cancellation and could see him at 3:30 that afternoon. A little after 3:00 PM, Jack cleaned up his desk, logged off and got up to leave. He stopped by the desk of Timmy Bushell, who was only 23 years old and had been working there for six months. 

    “Hey, Timmy! Could you do me a favor? I’ve got to leave and I haven’t had time to install the DBRX package. Could you do that for me? Take you, maybe, twenty minutes.”

    Bushell gazed at him with a put-upon look on his face. Hey, man – I’ve got my own stuff to do, you know. DBRX is your baby, isn’t it? Maybe you should come back after you do your shopping and install it then.”

    Jack muttered “thanks” under his breath and stopped by the desk of James Martin, who was his own age, quite serious and a great deal more mature than Tim Bushell. “How’s it going, James?”

    James looked up for a second, “Okay,” then buried himself in his manuals and his typing again.

    “Got a minute?”

    “I’m really, really busy; got to get this interface done.”

    Jack looked over James’ shoulder at the confusion of X-Windows code on the screen. “Still taking those X-Windows and Motif classes?”

    “Yeah. Motif in-house on Wednesdays and X-Win stuff on my own time.”

    “I got to do an errand but I need some software installed. Twenty-minute job, tops.”

    James ignored him and kept typing.

    Jack’s last stop for help was at the desk of one Joannie, who told him she’d be glad to help in the morning. Jack told her that was too late, but thanks anyway.

    He glanced around the room for help but decided everyone else looked too busy to be bothered. He walked into his boss’s office. 

    “Jim, I have to go out; I’m seeing the man we talked about last week.”

    “Oh, are you? Good. Do what you have to do. Get that DBRX package working yet?”

    “No, I’ve been too busy fixing problems from the field. I got three trouble calls this morning and then I had to work on the fixes.”

    “Can’t somebody else do it? How about Bushell?”

    “He can’t.”

    “Can’t be bothered, you mean.”

    “I’m not complaining – he’s …”

    “You don’t have to say anything – he’s a brat, wouldn’t help his own brother if he was dying unless there was something in it for Tim.”

    “He’s busy.”

    “Not that busy. These kids today – to them it’s every man for himself. I had another career before this. When I started out, it wasn’t like that, people helped each other and they didn’t come right out of school and get a big salary either. That’s their problem; too much affluence…that, and their parents gave them everything.”

    Jack gave a smile of recognition, as if that were something he’d never quite been able to put into words. “I’ll do it first thing in the morning, Jim.”

    “That’s soon enough,” said his boss. “I told management we’d have it up and running this week. Will spending three or four days working with it be enough to make you comfortable with it?”

    “Think so, except…”

    “Except you have to have time to work with it and a full load of trouble calls won’t let you do it; you need somebody to handle your workload for a few days.”

    “But…”

    Jim’s voice went down to a whisper. “Don’t let this get around, but sometimes I really miss the technical stuff … I’ll take your trouble calls and help with the fixes. I just don’t want everybody around here knowing I can do their work for them if they get too busy, so I’ll have all your phone calls diverted to me. If it’s personal I’ll take the message. I’m making an exception for you ’cause you need and deserve the help. Let me know how it goes with the shrink, okay?” Jim winked at him.

    “Will do. ‘night, Jim.” Jack walked out breathing a sigh of relief. He knew a good boss when he saw one.

    All that was several weeks earlier. Since then, Jack had seen the psychologist and having someone to talk to about his problems made him feel better. A week ago he had his third appointment and he hadn’t expected any big revelations, just another chance to “let it all out,” but at the session he saw a look of recognition on the doctor’s face.

    Finally, the psychologist said “I think I know what the problem is. I started to suspect it on your first visit but I wanted to get to know you and your situation a little before even suggesting anything I might call a diagnosis. I think you’re suffering from a condition that’s probably not in the medical books yet and may not even be recognized by many doctors, but it’s very real. I call it “I.T. burnout”.

    A hint of a smile crossed Jack’s face. He finally had a name for his malady and, boy, did it fit the condition perfectly! He wondered why he hadn’t thought of it himself.

    “Think of it this way. The human body and mind evolved over millennia around physical work and the need for human contact. In this machine age of ours, we’ve replaced both of them to a certain degree with mental stimulation. That’s fine up to a point, especially when it comes to entertainment like video games and television, but when it comes to sitting all day in front of a terminal, people adapt to it in different ways. As a psychologist, I don’t like to use words like ‘nerd’ but you know what I mean. Some people seem to never get tired of programming, debugging, hacking, manuals; they thrive on it. They love problem-solving, constant mental games, their minds always going at full tilt.”

    Jack nodded with recognition at the description of his profession.

    “Some of these so-called nerds escape their mental rat race by eventually moving up into management.”

    Jack smiled again.

    “But many people work very hard to get into this business, do it for years then find they can’t take the stress anymore. That sounds like what’s happened to you. A girl that worked here used to say ‘My mind’s always going at 90 miles per hour.’ She put her finger on the problem without realizing it. Not only was there not enough ‘people contact’ for her, the mental stress of having to fix computer problems all day wore her down.”

    “What happened to her?”

    “She now teaches at a college. She moved to Charlotte, North Carolina–I just heard from her last month. She’s doing very well.”

    “So, changing careers fixed her problem?”

    “That and moving to a less-crowded area. She said the traffic around this whole Washington metro area got to be too much. She told me she was moving to a less-crowded area to get away from it all.”

    “Got any suggestions for me?”

    “Yes, first I think you should take the Meyers-Briggs Type Indicator …”

    “I’ve heard of that – isn’t it some sort of aptitude test?”

    “Not exactly. It helps point out your personality type, which can give important clues about jobs or careers you’d fit well into. You can take it next time you come in. For now, I’m giving you a book, it’s What Color Is Your Parachute by Richard Bowles. I’d read it cover to cover if I were you. It’s been called ‘the career-changer’s Bible’.”

    The following morning Jack felt different, like he’d finally faced his problem, instead of trying to blot it out with beer and bars. He walked into the office with two boxes of Krispy Kreme donuts under his arm. 

    He stopped by Timmy Bushell’s desk, opened one of the boxes and held it out. “Want one of these?”

    Bushell looked surprised. He grabbed a donut, looked up and said “What are you gonna do next, blow me?” He grinned as if he’d said something terribly clever.

    Jack just stared at him.

    “You’re supposed to thank people when they do something nice for you,” said Jim Bakersfield in a loud voice. He’d noticed Jack walking in with the doughnuts and came over to grab one.

    Bushell briefly looked at Jim then turned back to his terminal, but Jim wouldn’t let him off the hook. “Hey, I’m talking to you, Bushell!”

    “C’mon, I was just kidding – he knows that.”

    “I couldn’t tell you were kidding and I’m standing right here,” said Jim.

    Bushell typed away, pretending he couldn’t hear.

    Jim leaned over his shoulder. “Next time you say something like that, we’re going to have a little talk in my office, capiche?”

    Bushell had a smirk on his face like the whole thing was a big joke and he was too busy to be bothered by it.

    Next, Jack stopped at James Martin’s desk.

    “Hey man, want a doughnut?” asked Jack.

    “Thanks!” said James, sounding surprised that anybody would do something for him, even something as small as giving him a doughnut.

    Jack looked over his shoulder at the X-Windows reference manuals and the Motif textbooks piled up on his desk. “How long do you have to keep taking those classes, buddy?”

    James turned around. “A while. Worked on X-Windows Calls last night.”

    “Yeah? How’s it going with that?”

    “Learn something new every time I go through the manual and the book.”

    Jack looked back at Jim, who grinned as he walked away.

    “Don’t mean to tell you what to do, but why do you go through all that?” asked Jack. “I mean that stuff takes forever to learn and now they’ve got kits and tools like Visual Basic to do all that graphical user interface stuff in a fraction of the time.”

    James looked perplexed for a second or two and then a smile came over his face, like he was a college professor, about to lecture a naive student who couldn’t possibly grasp the subtlety and depth of what he was about to hear.

    “My dear fellow – what you seem to be utterly unable to comprehend is the power of the X-Windows system. GUI builders are the poor man’s way to go about it. I’m aiming for mastery of user interfaces and you can do so much more at this level. You can …”

    “You can do the exact same thing in two hours with Visual Basic that’d take you a week to do with that shit,” piped up Timmy Bushell, who’d obviously been eavesdropping. “It’s getting so that anybody creating a user interface is going to use a GUI builder with a WYSIWYG editor. Right? Anybody who does it the hard way is a dummy!”

    The look on James Martin’s face would have stopped a clock. In fact, he never spoke to Bushell at all unless it was work-related. The problem between them started when Bushell was hired. James knew Tim from way back and James expected to receive a recruitment fee for any and all of his friends who came aboard. James would obtain their resumes, turn them in and collect said fees if they were hired.

    Bushell had never anticipated coming to Kenmore Software Systems and had fortuitously run into Jim Bakersfield at a job fair, where he presented Jim with his resume. By the time he realized his colleague James Martin worked there it was too late to give Martin the resume and hence James received no recruitment fee. When it came to money Martin had a long memory and as long as Bushell worked there he’d never be forgiven.

    Jack carried What Color Is Your Parachute under the boxes of doughnuts. He’d take a whack at it at lunch and then when he got home. The previous evening had been his “breakthrough day” and he’d had to celebrate. He even informed his wife of his intentions and she joined him at the bar.

    His problem wasn’t solved, it was only identified. But, at least, he now had a goal; he would continue his talks with the company-provided psychologist, he’d take stress-relieving medication, if that was called for and he would devour every piece of information of career choices he came across, starting with the book he was carrying around.

    He knew he had a long hill to climb and that it wouldn’t be easy to leave Information Technology and start a new career, but a clear direction uphill is a lot better than being stuck in the quicksand of ignorance and indecision regarding one’s plight and how to go about dealing with it. Jim Bakersfield had said something that struck a chord–something about working with people. Jack would focus on finding a career where he got to work with people, to help them–sounded like a plan.

    Doug Dawson has written for the U.S. Defense Department and for car and trade magazines and has had his short stories published by Academy of the Heart & Mind, Ariel Chart, Aphelion Webzine, Literary Yard, Scars Publications, The Scarlet Leaf Review and many others and are included in the print anthologies “The Devil’s Doorknob II” and “Potato Soup Journal’s “Best Stories of 2022.” His book “Route 66 – the TV Series, the Highway and the Corvette” will be published by BearManor Media in 2024.

  • 12 Caroling for a Dead Lover – Ejiro Edwards

    Dear lover,

    Now that the earth has opened up her bowel to have you for dinner,
    I expect your haunting ,

    Tell me what to do with your bones ?
    Should they rise up and walk again 
    Tell me, Are you afraid of the dark?

    Do you alternate & walk backwards searching for the light?, 
    your two hands, ready to block the fist of the devil from mapping your face like you did mine?,

    Should I wear your teeth as confetti? 
    Should I borrow your navel for a Belt? 

    Your belt swift as lightning, always too fast, too in a hurry to leave it’s position to strike
    Usain Bolt, is that you?

    Beg you permission please, let me use your scrotum for a bar, 
    you were always beating the life out of me, 

    Excuse me, 
    I hear four pipers piping on my losses,
    Four children lost from your fist, 
    Bruce Lee, is that you?

    five bruises capping on my knees 
    sixth eyes grazing through thick darkness, 
    Seven summers mourning our daughters
    Eight maids are milking from my sadness
    Nine bartenders attending my drinking 
    Ten paid mourners mourning on your funeral 
    Eleven, my heart is rejoicing,
    Twelve, I will come caroling at your funeral.


    Ejiro Elizabeth Edward is a passionate lover of the arts. She is the convener of Benin Arts and Book Festival; A literary event that aims to promote the arts within Benin City, Nigeria. She is also the winner of several awards across the literary field. She is the editor of Malimbe Magazine; an Inflight magazine that covers local airlines within Nigeria. She also works for Ouida Publishing Firm. She is the recipient of the Pearl Hogrefe Fellowship Award and is pursing a Master’s program at Iowa state university. She has an infinite desire to impact lives through the Art.